Thursday, December 18, 2008

It's all about how you look at it

Just as a preface, I'm starting out writing this with the intent of talking about something religious. It's not something that just happened. :) Oh, and this one's a little long. Sorry. I didn't do it on purpose, it just happened.

This morning as I was walking to and from work, it was snowing. And it wasn't just lightly snowing. It was coming down pretty good, and the wind was blowing it all right into my face, making it pretty difficult to see. So, I did as most others do: slumped over, hands in my pockets, head down, looking at the ground directly in front of me to try to find the safest way to get to my destination.

This got me to thinking. I heard a story once a long time ago about a farmer who wanted to retire, but he had no sons to give his farm to. So, he took his 3 favorite farmhands, and had them go out into a field with him. It was winter time, and the field was covered in a perfect blanket of untouched snow. He told them that whoever could walk in the straightest line to a certain tree across the field would be the one who would inherit the farm. The first decided that what he would do was to start facing the tree, and then watch his feet as he walked, making sure that he was walking as straight as possible. He did so, and when he got to the tree, he was astonished: his path weaved back and forth, not in a very straight line at all! The second farmhand saw the problem of the first, so he decided that he would watch his feet as well, but he would look up every so often to glance at the tree, to see if he was going the right way. But what he realized was, he couldn't stop looking at the path he made behind him. He would get so worried about whether or not it was crooked, so he would try to fix it. When he got to the tree, he turned around completely and saw the path that he had made. Although it was slightly straighter than the path made by the first farmhand, it was still quite crooked and zig-zaggy (if that's a word). The third, being the smartest of the bunch (he has to be, or the moral of the story would be pretty lame. It seems like they always save the wise one for last. Anyway.), decided that since the strategies of the first two farmhands hadn't worked at all, he was going to try something that neither of them had. He started out facing the tree, and he started walking. And he never took his eyes off of that tree. Nothing could distract him from that tree--not the path behind him, not how his path was going in comparison to those of the other farmhands. And when he got to the tree, he turned around to look at his path. It was almost a perfect straight line from the farmer to the tree. So, of course, he won the farm and everything that came with it.

As I thought about this, I made a connection to the situation I was in.

The snow was coming down, and often, we have the same reaction when it's raining. Especially if it's raining a lot. But even just a little, it's hard not to put your head down and watch the ground right in front of you. On the opposite end of the spectrum, when it's sunny, you don't find many people with their heads down, trying to keep from getting all that glorious daylight in their face. We walk tall, faces lifted to the glorious light of the sun, knowing exactly where we are headed, looking towards our destination with confidence.

Now for the connection to the gospel, if you haven't already guessed it by now. It seems when things are "coming down" around us, all we can do is focus on the ground in front of us. That big puddle in front of us seems huge, but if we would simply look up, we would see that there's a whole sidewalk worth of space that allows us to avoid the puddle, or to at least find the shallowest part to get through. But when it's sunny, we just soak it in. Sometimes, the rain or snow isn't such a bad thing.

So I decided to try something new. I walked like I would if it was bright and sunny out. I let that snow blow right into my face. It wasn't necessarily the best of experiences, but it wasn't bad, actually. Once I got over that it was cold and wet, I kind of enjoyed it. It was different. Not something that I was used to.

Our trials may not be like snow or rain falling. They may be like a hailstorm. While I don't recommend walking through a severe hailstorm unprotected, I do suggest that perhaps we should look at the storms of our lives in a new light. They may not always be the most pleasant. They probably aren't the most fun. But there's always an end to the storm. The sun will come out again. And what's the point in becoming upset over something you can't control? Why not just love it for what it is? Find something good about it. Anything. Sometimes it's not easy. Hailstones the size of golf balls don't have much nice about them when they pelt you on the head. But think about the miracle of the hailstone itself. How does something so solid (said solidity evidenced by the egg that is swelling up on your head) come out of something so ambiguous and intangible as a cloud? It truly is a miracle.

I suggest that we learn to love the situation we are in. Lately I've been in the midst of finals week, watching people around me stress themselves out of their minds about their finals. While, yes, finals is a stressful time, I think perhaps they overdo it. Relax. Take a breath. It's not as bad as you think it is. There is the light at the end of the tunnel, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, whatever example you want to use. Look ahead to your destination: a life of eternities with our Heavenly Father. Neal A. Maxwell said, "In the Apocrypha, the teachings of James, Jesus reportedly told an afflicted Peter and James, ‘If you consider how long the world existed before you, and how long it will exist after you, you will find that your life is one single day and your sufferings one single hour.’ How like what the Lord told the suffering Joseph in [Liberty] jail: ‘My son,…thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.’ One life, therefore, is brevity compared to eternity—like being dropped off by a parent for a day at school. But what a day!” How true. When we have an eternal perspective, our lives here are but a moment, a speck of time in a countless number of eternities. Why let something so small have such a huge effect on us?

Finally, as the best way to end this, I'll use a quote from a great man, Joseph B. Wirthlin:

"Come what may, and love it."

Thursday, December 11, 2008


It seems like lately I've been posting mainly song lyrics, so I decided to write a real post this time.

Today I was looking through a notebook from this semester, and I found something I wrote while I was waiting for one of my TA's about 2 or so weeks ago. I'm not going to share all of it, but you can have a taste.

Sometimes I find myself moving in my own direction, and sometimes I am carried along by another, even if I don't choose to be. As much as I don't want to admit it, my direction can be affected and even changed by the choices and actions of others. While sometimes this may be a bad thing, I find that it can also be beneficial. Spencer W. Kimball said that the Lord does notice us, but it is usually through another person that He meets our needs. Perhaps this direction changing of mine and of others is how the Lord is correcting, or even simply guiding us. Maybe the direction we were headed in before wasn't necessarily bad, but He's got something better in mind for us, even if we don't see it right at first. He knows the things that we need to learn, and He knows the best way to teach us.

I often find that I didn't intend to begin writing about something religious, but it often drifts in that direction. Again, not a bad thing, just not my original intention. Then again, things don't often work out the way we planned, do they?

And that's what I wrote about, or at least the Readers Digest version. As I continue to think about direction, though, I've had some ideas about it all. Sometimes I think that my life is like swinging on a swing. Back and forth, back and forth, but never really seeming to get anywhere. I learn something new with each swing, and perhaps get higher and higher, or lose speed and get a little lower, or get tired and slow down, but there's not much variation from that. Once again, not that this is necessarily a bad thing, just something I've noticed. I think a lot, if not all, of our lives are like this. The question is, how/when do we get to jump from the swing, to run free, to have complete control over our lives. Do we ever get to? I'm not sure. For now, I'll love my swing. I'll embrace the rise and fall of it all, and just lean back, close my eyes, and let the wind blow through my hair. :)

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Savior, Please.

I absolutely love this song. It's by an artist who is not very well known, and I he's one of those Christian rock guys, but I still love him. I think the words to this song...amazing. Anyways. Enjoy.

Savior, please
Hold my hand.
I'm treading earth,
And sinking fast.
I don't fare well
Here in this world.
I put you first;
It puts me last.

I know that I am not alone,
But still, I feel lonely.
Please look on me, here alone,
And reach down to hold me.
Savior, please
Keep savin' me.

Savior, please
Hold me up.
I'm falling down
In a falling race.
I don't fare well
Here in this world.
I turn to you;
It turns its face.

I know that I am not alone,
But still, I feel lonely.
Please look on me, here alone,
And reach down to hold me.
Savior, please
Keep savin' me

Savior, please
Hold my hand.
Savior, please
Hold me up.
I don't fare well
Here in this world.
Savior, please
Keep savin' me.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Any last words?

The other day I was on the phone with someone, and I noticed something that I do. I don't know why I do it, and I don't try, but it just happens. Whenever the conversation comes to an end, I always have to be the last one to say goodbye. I really honestly don't know why, but it feels wrong to me if I don't. I'll even wait an awkward amount of time in silence for the other person to say bye first. It's really weird. Because I noticed it, I try hard not to do it, and I've done pretty good. But still, every time I do it, I feel like I'm cutting the other person off halfway through a sentence or something, even if I'm not. I am a strange person.

Friday, November 21, 2008

"New Post"

I don't know what I'm going to write in this post. I feel like I have so much inside of me (other than vital organs and such), but I don't have any idea what it is, least of all how to describe it.

I only have to get through four more days. Three and a half, really. My family is coming down here for Thanksgiving, and I can't wait to see them. I can't wait to get out of Provo and away from all that's been going on here. I just need a break from everything, really. School, work, friends, and most of all, relationships. Or the lack thereof. Perhaps the ambiguity of everything here is what is so frustrating. Once again, the only thing that I want to do, because it just removes all thought but at the same time allows me to think about everything, is dance. I want to find my partner and just dance all night long. There's nothing ambiguous about dancing. I connect with my partner, and we just flow with each other. He is awesome. Neither of us are necessarily the best dancers, but that's what makes it so great. Neither of us feels intimidated or overshadowed by the other. He makes me so happy. Dancing makes me so happy.

Who knew I'd talk about dancing again? Not me. This post is just flowing from my mind, through my fingers, and onto this screen. I'm not holding much back. It's just coming.

I have such a conflicting set of emotions inside of me right now. I am happy. Even though things aren't going the way I want them to, I'm still happy. I know that's because I've asked the Lord to help me be. He has. It's not of my own doing. He has had a hand in this. I also feel sad, though. Sad that things have ended. Sad that new things have to start. Sad that things that I wish would start, simply won't. Sad that things that could start, things that I have pushed at first, aren't necessarily what I would choose now. I don't dwell on this though. I'm pretty sure that there are only 2 things that are going to get me through these next few days: 1. My family coming. I have missed them. So much. And 2. Jeff coming in 8 days. I cannot wait to see him. Don't ask me how I've gone all this time without seeing him. It's nice to be able to talk to him, but actually being able to see him, to be around him, to hug him, it will be awesome. He is my best friend. It's like I'm going to get a piece of myself back. I can't wait for it.

I know everyone is going to say, if you have such a connection with this guy, why don't you date him? This is me rolling my eyes. You have no idea how much I've heard this. Believe me, I have entertained the idea. It just gets old when people try to push it on me. I'm not going to make anything happen that just isn't what I want. I've already talked to Jeff about this. We'll see what it's like between us when we see each other. Until then, we're still just best friends. And no matter what, we'll stay best friends. That's the best way to do it, right?

Friday, November 14, 2008

Another Lonely Day

Song lyrics sometimes have a way of taking the words right out of your mouth.

I think at one time or another, a person going through a breakup feels the way this song describes. I have mostly passed this stage, but there are times when I find myself falling back into this. Either way, this song is probably one of my favorites.

Yes indeed, I'm alone again,
And here comes emptiness crashing in.
It's either love or hate,
I can't find in between,
'cause I've been with witches and I've been with a queen.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may,
But for now it's just another lonely day.

Wish there was something now I could say or do.
I can resist anything but the temptation from you.
But I'd rather walk alone than chase you around.
I'd rather fall myself than let you drag me on down.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
And now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may,
But for now, it's just another lonely day.

Yesterday seems like a life ago,
'cause the one I love today, I hardly know,
You I held so close in my heart, Oh dear,
Grow further from me with every fallen tear.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may,
But for now it's just another lonely day.
For now it's just another lonely day.
For now it's just another lonely day.

Oh, in case you were wondering, this is "Another Lonely Day" by Ben Harper.

I feel like I had more to say about this, but I can't think of what it was...all I know is that I hope that for me (and for others going through similar situations), that this stage can pass rather quickly. That's all.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


So, a lot of times I'll just be walking on campus and I will think of something that I should blog about, but then by the time I get home or I get to my computer, I can't remember it. Well, last night, I was trying to remember something, so I went to write it in my phone, and I discovered that the other day when I had thought of one of these things, I wrote it down in my phone! So now you get an insight into the workings of my mind...beware.

What is it about cancer that makes people great? See, 99% of the time, when you hear of someone who has cancer, people say, "Oh, he/she is such a great person, that's so sad." You never hear people say, "Man, that guy is a dirty scumbag, he totally deserves that." Something about cancer just makes people great. Maybe they really HAVE been a scumbag, but as soon as they get cancer**, people say that they are so great, that it couldn't have happened to a better person, how much they hope that person will get through it, etc.

Is it only cancer that makes people feel this way about you? I wish people would say those kinds of things about me, but am I willing to get cancer to accomplish these results? I don't really know if it's worth it to me.

In closing, this insight has given new meaning to me for a particular saying:

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them"

**This almost always excludes self-induced cancers: lung cancer from smoking, skin cancer from fakin'-bakin', etc.

Thursday, November 6, 2008


Warning: I read this post after I wrote it, and I'd like to tell you right now, it is quite parenthetically drenched, if you will. So, although I do actually know the real use of parenthesis, for some strange reason, while writing this, I completely disregarded them. And now that you've been warned, continue on into the world of many many parenthesis.

So, when I have a decision to make, and I just can't decide what I want, I employ a tried and tested strategy (tried and tested by me, and it almost always works). What I do is, I place whatever it is I'm deciding between (whether the actual objects or representations of them) in front of me, and I play "Eenie Meenie Miney Moe" with them. Now, this doesn't actually make my decision for me (that would be a pretty lame solution to my problem, and would also make for quite a short and pointless blog post). What happens is, I land on one, and then if I am disappointed in what I got, I know what I really wanted. And if not, I know that it's actually what I wanted (or that it just wasn't that important). This strategy, although seemingly childish, is actually very effective. I'm not really sure when I started doing it, but it has certainly changed my life.

Now, the only problem with this is, it can only be used for fairly trivial things: what to wear that day, what to have for breakfast or dinner, how I want to do my hair, etc. I hope to be able to find a way to utilize this in future, more important decisions. "Should I be a biology major, or a sociology major?" "Should I continue dating this guy, or not?" "Should I live with this person, or that person?" The list goes on. If only these decisions could somehow be made simple. If we could but factor out the difficulty of the situation (I'm currently at work in the math lab, so I can't help but make math references), life would be so much easier.

Another thing I've wondered about making big decisions is how people who...well, let me phrase this differently. I've grown up a member of the LDS (Mormon) church all my life. One of the things that we believe and practice is that our Heavenly Father has an genuine interest in and plays an active part in our lives, and that if we need to make a big decision (or sometimes, even a small one), we can turn to Him for help in which decision is the right one. As such, I have always turned to my Father in prayer for help with many decisions that I have had to make. I rely quite heavily on His guidance. What I wonder is, how do people who don't turn to the Lord make these big decisions? And, more importantly, how do they feel confidence and assurance that the choice they have made is the best, most correct, or most beneficial of all the options? Although I may not learn what the outcomes of my decisions will be until after they have occurred, it is my faith in the Lord that allows me to feel that peace in the choices that I make.

Man. The church is true. I love it. :)

Monday, November 3, 2008


This is a blog I wrote a little bit ago, and I've been debating whether or not to post it. Well, today I just decided to do it, so here goes. Enjoy.

I make commitments. Others make them to me. But how do you know if your level of commitment is the same as the other person?

This seems to be my common problem lately. And by lately I mean for the past couple of years. I'm not really sure if it's a communication problem or just something that naturally occurs between people sometimes, but I've tried doing things differently many times, and none of the changes seem to work.

I suppose my real question in this is: how do you know? How do you determine? Asking usually provides little insight into the workings of someone else's mind, at least in my experience. Although he or she may answer truthfully, I find that this kind of thing is hard to express, even for those not verbally challenged like myself. In almost all situations where a commitment is required, it seems that one person commits his or her self more than the other.

For example, in a few weeks I will be competing in the DanceSport competition (for those who don't know, it's a ballroom competition). A guy in my class asked me to be his partner, and I accepted. Now, I'm not exactly sure what his desires are concerning the outcome of the competition, but personally, I want to do well. How do I go about asking him about his intentions? And what if he is in it merely for the experience? Can I convince him to work hard for me? Can I change his motivations, and his level of commitment? It doesn't seem like something that can be changed easily.

This example is just one situation that I've experienced within the past little while. I understand that each of these experiences is for my learning and growing, but at the same would be nice to catch a break. I feel like I constantly live the same situation over and over (literally, the same situation, at least 5 times in the past year alone), and I have no control over it. Perhaps if I made myself emotionally detached from everyone else, that would help? I don't think that would work. I am an emotional person, and I wear that emotion on my sleeve, whether people like it or not. How can I avoid this situation? I feel like I am constantly putting my all into everything, but that "all" is not reciprocated. Ever. How do I change that?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


BBC went a little crazy today with the 'quotes'. I have a thing that loads on my window that will show me the latest news stories of the day. I opened this one, simply because...well, take a look first.

I was a little curious as to how this boy had been 'killed'. What happens when you're 'killed'? Apparently you just die....same as being killed. Weird.

So anyways, I went to look at some more of the stories, and I realized--like every other story had the quotes on it! Look at this.

What does it mean when you 'open a naval base'? Does it exist in Narnia?
Or what exactly is a 'murder plot'? Were they only planning on 'killing' him?
What happens if I want a 'full' artificial heart transplant? I thought usually they only gave you like half a heart, or sometimes they just stop most of the way through the surgery and tell you that you're done.

Really, if you're going to 'quote' someone, just quote the whole thing. Or think of your own words. It's called a thesaurus.

Black and White Release

Today is a day of lots of blogs. But I just have a lot to say, I guess.

I rekindled a true love today. True love with playing the piano. Strangely enough, I haven't been playing as much lately as I normally do. Tonight however, I just broke down. I HAD to play. I didn't care where. I didn't care that I didn't have any music and that I would be playing the same annoying songs that I always play from my limited memory. I needed to get it out. I had to spill my soul onto those beautiful 88 keys. And even though I was on the super lame Park Plaza lounge piano, it was the best I've felt all day. As silly as it sounds, playing the's right up there with praying for me. I can express myself fully. I've blogged about this before, so if you really want to know about my musical expression, read it.

Anyways. I don't know why I haven't been playing. Perhaps I've felt pressured? Inadequate? I'm sure its a plethora of reasons. In any case, I need a piano. Or a place to play more often. I used to practice in the basement of the HFAC, but its always so crowded and competitive to get a room down there...I just don't like it.

It's strange how this works....I've spent all day trying not to think. Forcing myself not to. Doing anything I could to keep myself away from my thoughts. I was so happy when I could dance: when I could not think. I think a lot when I'm playing the piano though. But I wanted to. I needed it. I didn't make any decisions or breakthroughs. I just thought. Just went through things in my head. It wasn't the happiest of times. In fact, I spent a lot of that time being quite sad. But I needed it. I let that sadness be translated through the notes. It must be my release. I don't cry. Instead, I play. And that's how I cry. Even if the song I'm playing isn't sad or calm. It just helps. How could it not?

I always have a hard time finding a good closing line for these things. So I think I'll just end with this:
"Be believing. Be happy. Don't get discouraged. Things will work out."
-Gordon B. Hinckley

Monday, October 27, 2008


I hate it when I have a really good idea for something to post on here, but I'm not in a place where I can just write it down, and then I forget it.

I'm praying for inspiration today, cuz it was really good, believe me.

I've been thinking a lot today. I haven't been able to do anything else. And I haven't been thinking about school (which probably isn't a good thing, seeing as I've been in classes all day and I took a test today). The only times today that I have been carefree and happy were when I was dancing. Can I dance all day long? Then I wouldn't have to think, I wouldn't have to be weighed down by...everything. What a life that would be. Just dancing in my apartment though...that's a little weird. And not as good. And I'd end up thinking because it wouldn't be structured. Wednesday will be another chance to let go and just dance. I can't wait.

I don't know when things will be okay. I have an estimate, or at least a deadline. I know that in 18 days, things will be at least a little bit better, because Jeff gets home. Granted, I don't get to see him for a few weeks after he gets home, but at the same time...I can call him and just talk. He can tell me that things will be okay. Even if they aren't, it's just so easy to believe Jeff. He makes me so happy. (in a completely non-romantic way. People always ask me if there's something going on there. At least on my end, there's nothing. I'm sure he feels the same way. Just to clarify).

I need my best friend back.

Friday, October 24, 2008


Can I post a song on here? I really think it's the best/only way for me to actually convey my current emotion.

Well, since I don't know how, although I'm sure its a possibility, I will attempt to tell about what I'm feeling. I guess you could say that I am content. Serene. Peaceful. Happy. The song that I would like to put on here is the Clair de Lune. I love that song. It's so peaceful and calming (perhaps why I feel this way--I'm listening to the song right now).

I think fall just does this to me though. Something about fall just makes me so happy. Even though the weather isn't quite as warm as I wish it was, it's still fall. The leaves are changing colors and falling (which provides limitless entertainment for me; I absolutely love stepping on crunchy leaves), the air just smells different, and fall just brings a kind of anticipation for me. Fall and spring seem to be the intermediary seasons, the ones that merge the two extremes of summer and winter. Whether you like the extreme that is coming, this anticipatory season just makes you eager for the oncoming change. At least it does to me. I'm not the biggest fan of winter (I probably wouldn't join its group on Facebook), but it does have its perks. Christmas, sledding, hot chocolate, fires, and hobo gloves (the ones that have the ends of the fingers cut off and the mitten part that you can pull over the top), among other things. I don't know if I can really say what it is that fall does, but it makes me happy at least.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Well, I guess I just feel like its been awhile since I've written. I currently have yet to really think of something to write about, but I think I gained a little inspiration by visiting the house of the Lord this evening.

First off, its kinda funny, but mostly sad, how quickly you can forget things. I wanted so badly to write down what I was thinking about while I was there, but I forgot to bring a pen and paper, so I was down on my luck there. But it's ok. Note to self: next time, bring something to write on. Normally I do, I was just being silly this time.

Secondly, I really hate going somewhere you find so special and sacred to you (that's not the end of the sentence, don't worry) and have someone there completely disregard that, and pretty much ruin the experience for you. There was a man sitting in front of me in the chapel who was humming the entire time I was there. I had to read the same verse probably 6 times in order to really get it, because I just couldn't tune him out! And then he decided that it was ok to talk to the man next to him about whether or not so-and-so was trying out for the Christmas choir, etc. I could hardly believe this man. Could that really not wait? I hope that I don't go places and make other people feel this way. Or at least, if I do, that they tell me.

I don't mean to be mean or angry. Just a thought I suppose. Perhaps I have prevented one of you from humming while in the temple and interrupting someone else's spiritual experience. I hope so.

Lastly, I would like to share something that I have been thinking about lately. How much better would our world be if we all took the time to help just one person every day? Personally, I try to look for opportunities to help someone as I walk around on campus, sit in classes, or am just at work. What can I do to make someone's day better? I think if the world needs anything, it needs for people to stop for just a moment and look outside themselves to see the needs of others for just a moment. I feel like I should be standing on a stage in an outrageous gown with my hair frizzed up to high heaven and loads of makeup on, with a tiara and a Miss America sash around me, but honestly, I truly believe that one person, perhaps even you or I, can make a difference in this world. Even if the difference is only to one person, then perhaps they make the difference to another, and then another.

This reminds me of the movie Pocahontas, where Grandmother Willow shows Pocahontas and John Smith something. She dips one of her branches into the river, and of course, it makes a ripple. Then she says this: "So small at first, but look how they grow! But someone has to start them...Sometimes, the right path is not the easiest one."

I hope that by doing something for someone, I can start a ripple. It may not be the easiest thing to do, but it is certainly worth it.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


It seems I can't please everyone. First, I get complaints about not enough pictures. Then, once I post the pictures, I get complaints that they're not good pictures. So, in an attempt to appease the masses, I'm putting up pictures of the latest food-related activity in my life. Stephen and I made smoothies, and we made a face with the fruit! Enjoy :)

Apparently the contrast of color between strawberries and kiwis is very aesthetically pleasing. I might have to agree about that one....

Here's me and Stephen with our creation.

Turns out taking a picture of two people holding a bowl of fruit and smiling is a lot harder than it sounds. We had a few takes, and I picked this one because Stephen so accurately represented the face we had created in the bowl.

Well, that's all you get.
Stephen, I hope you're happy and that I have properly represented you now. For the rest of y'all, I hope you're now jealous of how much fun my life is. :)

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Never Say No (at least not to me)

I like to share the things I learn about myself on this blog. Well, I've discovered another thing about myself as of late. I hate being told no. But more importantly, I absolutely loathe people telling me that I can't do something (as in like I'm not able, that I lack the skill or ability to do something, not like that I can't break the rules kind of thing). Whenever someone tells me that I can't do something, whether it be big or small, something ticks in my head, and I will do everything in my power to do exactly what they told me I couldn't. I HAVE to prove them wrong.

For example, a few years ago, I was dating this guy, and he was asking me about what my plans were for the coming year. I told him how I had wanted to go to the Jerusalem Center, and if I didn't make it into that, I was thinking about transferring schools so that I could take up cheerleading again. Well, he told me that I wouldn't make it in to the Jerusalem Center (look how wrong he was about that one. I was already set on going, but I knew I had to prove him wrong, too), and he told me that I didn't have the physical ability anymore to do cheerleading, that I wasn't fit enough or strong enough or good enough. Granted, this isn't the best example because I didn't end up transferring schools to do cheerleading and to prove him wrong, but that was simply because it would not have been a logical decision at all, and also because if I switched schools, I wouldn't be able to go to the Jerusalem Center, which was my number one priority. However, if the opportunity had presented itself, I would have worked my butt off to make the team, not only to prove him wrong, but because that's just how I work.

The other day, I was told I couldn't do something. I realized this fact about myself today, as I sat at work trying to figure out everything I could do to prove this person wrong. I haven't set my plan into action yet, but I am determined, and I will be right.

Another thing about me that I already knew, but is reinforced by this experience: I am usually a pretty laid-back, indifferent, and agreeable person, but there are a few things that I am very passionate about, and you don't mess with me about those things. This happens to be one of those things.

Finally, on a completely unrelated note, I have found this saying to be quite true lately.
When it rains, it pours.
That's all that needs to be said about that, but lately, nothing could be more true about my life. Not that it's a bad thing at all, but just a thought.

Monday, October 13, 2008


My mom complained that I don't put any pictures on here or my facebook, so here's some pictures from the football game this last weekend.

This was taken right before a touchdown. Woot!

These are the guys I was standing next to, some friends from the Jerusalem Center. Its Kerry, Danny, and Ryan.

This is my whole group, aka a bunch of my Jerusalem friends.

This is me and Stephen. Not the best picture of either of us, seeing as he was talking and I was laughing, but it's the only one I have of us. :)

Well, that's it for now. Yay for life!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Lesson of the Day

I knew my fears had no base. I learned today that some people's emotions just aren't as apparent as mine, at least not at first. It was a good thing to learn. :)

Monday, October 6, 2008


I have this fear lurking in the back of my head, all day long, every day, every week, etc etc etc. What that fear is in particular is not important, do you make it stop? I'm pretty sure it's one of those things that I shouldn't be so worried about, but I feel like I read into every little thing and analyze it to the point of exhaustion, where I am so frustrated with myself I can hardly stand to be in my own head.

Sometimes I feel like I invest myself so fully into every situation that I get into, and quite often it doesn't work out. It's just the way life works, but I guess it's just getting tiring and old these days. Does everyone get as invested as I do? Perhaps I just don't see it. I should stop and take a look around and see what everyone else is doing. Sounds like a good idea to me.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

What could I title this?...

So, things have been going...completely awesome, really. I'm hesitant to say much more than that, because I always think of the movie Moulin Rouge, when Harold says, "Everything's going so well!!" and from that point on, everything that could go wrong, does. I know that it's a silly movie line, and that saying something like that probably doesn't mean that something bad is going to happen, but...well, I'll put it this way: I'm not superstitious, I'm just a little stitious (if you don't know what that's from....start watching the Office).

I guess I'm just so used to things only working out for so long and then something goes awry and everything gets ruined. However, I have been so good lately about things that I always used to struggle with. I haven't gotten into things too much or too quickly, and it wasn't because I told myself I had to hold back. It's just been happening naturally. I'm being myself. I've never been told more times that I am so weird, but I choose to continue to be myself. I can think of very few, if any, things that I have done where I look back and think, "I would normally never do that, but I felt like I needed to do it to fulfill some kind of expectation or to try to fit in." It's an amazing feeling.

I feel great about where I am, what I'm doing, and the direction that I'm going.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008


One day, I would like to find something that I am really really good at.

For example, I had always felt like I had at least some kind of particular talent in music. I knew I wasn't the best, but I had a little something. Well, yesterday I went to a modern dance class that Stephen accompanies for, and he made me play the drums. I felt like I was doing ok, but then he'd stop me and show me something to do. And I'd feel like an idiot! He was so good! Granted, he is a composer and a music major, which gives him every right to be amazing. I guess that now that I'm around him a lot, I just don't feel like my musical talents are as great as I once thought they were. He overshadows me by a long shot, which is totally fine, but....yeah.

So, now I'm just trying to find something to be good at. The problem is, I'm thinking its going to have to be something new, and you don't start something new and start out being phenomenal. It takes time. So I guess I'll have to just do what the scriptures say and build and develop my talents.

Sunday, September 28, 2008


Ah, the things life throws at you.

Sometimes, it's not what you expected, but exactly what you needed. I love it.


Thursday, September 25, 2008

Good Intentions

Do you ever start out in a situation, with the best of intentions? The things you do are what you believe are the best you can do, according to the given situation, and the information that you have about it. Sometimes, however, another person in the same situation may have done something completely different. Or, there is another person involved in this situation, and they don't think that the choices you made were the best that you could have done. This is what has happened to me as of late.

I was dating (I'm not sure if we really were, but for the sake of convenience, I will say that we were) this guy in my ward, and I liked him a lot. I knew that I probably liked him more than he did me. I could deal with that. It seems to happen to me a lot, actually. At any rate, I was pretty sure that he liked me to some degree, or he wouldn't be spending time with me. Things seemed to be progressing pretty well, for a bit, but then some things happened, and we disagreed about some things, so we took a step back. I was unaware that we had changed that much, but I was going to let him take the lead in wherever we went. However, sometimes I get impatient, and I pushed it. One night, I must have pushed it too far. The next night, he seemed distant and almost irritated with me. I decided that instead of me trying and him not, I was simply going to sit back and let things happen as they may.
The next night, he worked late. I waited for a call, half of me not expecting a call, and the other half desperately hoping for it to come. A call did come, but not from him. It was my home teacher, and he wanted me to go dancing. Well, this is where I had to make a choice. I could go out with a friend, or I could sit and wait for a phone call that I was pretty sure wasn't going to come. What choice should I have made? I'm not sure. But I chose to go dancing with my friends. Well, as we were leaving, the guy that I was dating came out of his apartment and saw me leaving with this guy and a few other girls. Well, to make a long story short, he got mad, he accused me of things, I accused him of things, we sucked at communicating, and now he practically refuses to be in the same room as me (which is rather inconvenient seeing as I'm at his apartment a fair amount).

I guess all that wasn't too needed, but it made me feel better to write it. Either way, to the point of this post: my good intentions. In everything I did, I was not trying to hurt him. Heck, I liked him, why would I want to hurt him? However, to me, he sees everything I did as a scheme to be mean or spiteful. It's not true! He accused me of hanging all over another guy (the home teacher) the next day at church, which said a lot about how I saw me and him (the guy I was dating) and what had happened between us. However, I wasn't doing that to try to affect him in any way. I don't yet have many friends in the ward. I was simply sitting with a friend. I was pretty sure that me and this guy had finished dating. That's where our conversation the night before had led. I saw no reason to sit by myself at church and pine over him and be depressed about things that I can't change. In all honesty, I usually find a way to end a relationship, get over it, and be ready to be friends very quickly. I was tremendously affected by our angry and mean conversation the night before, but I realized that I had two choices: I could choose to be angry at him, or I could choose to see it as a simple misunderstanding between friends, that could be resolved and we could be friends again. I chose the second.

However, he chose the first. He is still mad at me. He says that he's disappointed, which I know also translates to mad. I tried to make amends, but to no avail. I think the problem is that he refuses to understand that I did have good intentions, all throughout everything that happened. Almost nothing I said or did was meant to spite or to hurt him. I don't know how to make him understand that, and to see my side of things.

What I have been thinking about a lot lately, as he obviously is not ready to forgive me anytime soon, is whether or not he ever will forgive me and decide that we can be friends again. I don't know him well enough to have seen him interact with someone who he had had a fight with, or someone that he had forgiven for something. I don't know if he is one of those people who take weeks, months, or even years to forgive someone.

All I know is that I hope that it can be sometime soon, or that he can at least be able to tolerate me. I always feel so bad when I go to his apartment and he goes somewhere away from me, but I was told not to worry about it and to keep coming around. Even though I have been told that, I still wait and hope for the day when we can all live in peace and harmony...haha ok cheesy! But fairly true.

Monday, September 22, 2008


Grammatical errors like this one drive me absolutely insane. Maybe because it's part of an ad, but seriously people, get someone to proofread your stuff before you put it out there for the world to see.

Lose does not equal loose.
Their, there, and they're all all separate words, with separate meanings.
To, too, and two are also different.
Your and you're are completely different.

The other day in my dance class, a girl had a shirt on that said, "My library is better than your's!" Wow. It was some kind of promotional fun run or something for a library, but you'd think that especially in a library, someone would notice that that is a contraction, meaning, "Your is"....which doesn't exist. Come on, people. Give me a break.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Rush, rush, rush....take a moment to breathe.

Lately I feel like all I ever do is rush. I'm rushing to get to class, to work, to get my homework done, etc. It seems like I've always got to get to something, get something done for something else, or something to do for someone. Wow, that was a lot of some's....anyways. I feel like my days are so jam-packed full of things for me to do, and usually its something that I don't necessarily want to do, but I have to. Or I feel obligated to someone. Either way, I need to find a way to make time for myself, other than when I'm in the shower.
Another thing I've been thinking about today is something we talked about a little in Sunday School. We were talking about how we let worldly things take precedence over spiritual things, and I made a comment about how sometimes I get so frustrated with myself, because I can spend all day thinking about the test I just took, or the date I went on the other night, or some other stupid thing, but I never stop to take a moment to think about Christ or the gospel. And you would think that I would, going to a school like BYU. I guess that's just one thing that I realized I need to work on.
So, the goals are: 1) make more time for the Lord, and 2) make more time for myself.
Good goals.

Friday, September 19, 2008

I've found it!

I've finally found what it is that I want to do. And when I say that, I mean that I've always known that this is what I want to do, but I just don't know how to get there.
When I started at BYU, I always told people that I wanted to be a Zoologist, and they would respond with, "What do you want to do, work in a zoo?" Actually, yes. More than anything. I want to work with animals! I've always known that I want to. Does that mean I have to major in Biology? I hope not. I really hated all my Bio classes....does that mean I'll have to start taking them again next semester? I do not know. This is so frustrating. But here's some of the pictures that made me remember why I want to do this so bad.

Monday, September 15, 2008


I'm feeling a bit nostalgic, so here are some pictures of home for your viewing enjoyment. :)

This one is one of my favorites. I took it down at the dike road, just over Hayden Lake.

Another one of Hayden Lake. It's my favorite lake at home :)

This one isn't necessarily my favorite, but it's a good view of the mountains, or at least the best my camera could do.

My house! Apparently they've done a lot to change it since I've been gone, and I can't wait to go back to see how much it has changed.

These are my dogs. I love them! The big black one is named Ike, and he's my brother's dog, and the little one is Sadie, and she's mine. They're great fun :)

I took all these this summer, after I realized that I may not be living at home ever again. I'm growing up....weird.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


I have found lately that I hate beginnings. I do not like the beginnings of semesters, especially. What I find makes this most apparent to me is my dance classes. I get so frustrated having to learn the basics! I just want to already have them down and be able to move onto the things that I can actually use (except, of course, I can't actually use them until I have mastered the basics). Perhaps the most frustrating of this category is my Social Dance class. Currently, we're learning the foxtrot. My class is full of freshman boys who are almost all shorter than me, and not only is it really hard to dance with someone who is shorter than you, but its also hard to follow the lead of someone who's got their arms on you like a dead fish.

Now, I do not in any way claim to be a great dancer. I'm not. I do know a slight amount about ballroom styles of dancing, but very little. I just learn fast. And it's so frustrating to be bogged down by these people who don't understand that you start on your right foot and you step slow, slow, quick quick. It's really not that difficult. Except for the poor girl he's dancing with, because she's trying desperately to follow him, while he's a completely lost cause.

I guess what I've decided, although its pretty impossible, is that I wish that I could simply skip 180-maybe take like a 2 or 3 week course that teaches everything from 180, so I can move on to the real deal. I can learn the basics quickly. I know how to push myself and practice effectively so that I gain the correct muscle memory, and then I move on. Maybe I'll find a partner who is a) tall, b) talented, c) a fast learner. I know it's a lot to ask, but maybe, just maybe, there's someone out there wishing for the same thing.

Once again, this blog has gone exactly the opposite way that I had planned it. I didn't want to vent. I wanted to talk about beginnings. About how they are so frustrating, because you have that awkward phase where you don't know anything. This isn't just for school, by the way, but for just about anything and everything. I wish there was a way to just skip to the good middle part where you really know what you're doing and where there's that understanding and cooperation.

But I suppose its like that old saying, from people and from the scriptures (more or less). You can't have the bad without the good, and without the bad, you would never appreciate the good. So perhaps if I skipped to the really good middle part, I just wouldn't realize how good I have it, because I wouldn't have had the awkward beginning to make it that much better.

Once again, its one of those things that you don't really like, but you know you have to go through it because it will make you a better person. It's worth it.

Friday, September 5, 2008


I find it hard to express my feelings through words. That's one thing this blog has taught me. However, I have found one way to express myself, although it is probably less effective than my writing. That sentence didn't make sense to anyone but me. Anyways, what I'm talking about is music.

When I"m playing the piano, I feel like I'm creating my feelings. I've heard it said that music is what feelings sound like. Took the words right out of my mouth.

However, seeing as I'm not the most talented artist, I usually find it easy to express my feelings through the songs of another. Perhaps this is why my itunes collection is so extensive. It may not seem extensive to others, but some of my most played songs seem to reflect me quite accurately. For example, my number one played song is "Belief" by Gavin DeGraw. Here's a few of the lyrics as an example, I suppose.

Belief, makes things real.
Makes things feel, feel alright.
Belief, makes things true.
Things like you, you and I.

Builds from scratch.
Doesn't have to relax, it doesn't need space.
Long live the queen and I'll be the king.
In the collar of grace.

like you stood by me, I will stand by mine, stand by my belief...

I absolutely love this song, as evidenced by the fact that I've listened to it almost 150 times. And I love it for more than just the lyrics. I can't even describe how much I love it.

Now, it's not just through lyrical songs that I express myself. I find that often, I feel the most...connection I suppose, to songs without words. For example, my number 2 played song (137 times) is "The Unaccompanied Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major", played by Yo Yo Ma. I don't know what it is about that song, but it is Every measure of that song is who I am, what I feel, what I do, how I act, what I think, and so much more.

The most frustrating part about this form of communication is that I never feel like I can adequately express how much it means to me. I feel a deeper connection to music than I do to most human beings. I think the only thing/person that I feel closer to is my Savior. And the best part about that is, I can use music to communicate my love to Him. Often times, when I feel like I just have to talk to the Lord, but I can't find a way to do it in words, I'll just sit down and start playing the piano. I don't even have to speak, but I know that the Lord is understanding what I'm feeling through the expression of my music. It feels like I'm praying. But not only that, its also Him talking back to me. I communicate to Him through my music, but He also communicates to me in a way that I could never describe.

I often find my blog posts go completely astray of what I originally intended on writing when I sat down to write it. However, I'm satisfied with the direction that this one went.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008


Why is it that once you know you have someone watching you, things get so much harder to do?

I'm pretty sure this applies to just about everything. For example, when I was in Israel, I volunteered to play the piano in sacrament meeting. I had a song picked out that was right at the top of my skill level, so I worked for weeks on this song to learn it well enough to play it in church. The day came that I was to play, and I had it down pretty well. I decided to ask someone to listen to it to tell me if it was good, and I did worse than I normally did, when they watched. I decided to ask a few other people. Still did poorly. Perhaps my worst performance was later that day in front of the 300+ people in the auditorium waiting for me to finish this piece that I had so meticulously practiced, only to completely botch it when it came time to put all my hard work to use.

I feel that way about this blog. It was so much easier to write when I thought I didn't have an audience. It's bittersweet though, because every time I wrote before, I always hoped that someone else would read it, maybe just stumble upon it blog surfing and think it was good. But, the other day, I was informed by a friend that my blog was being read, and now....I can't write. It's almost like writer's block, but it's just the pressure. I've never been a particularly splendid writer, but I always wished I was. Having myself as an audience made me feel great about my writing, but now I just feel like I have to set a higher standard or something. I know people don't expect blogs to be professional pieces of literature, but I read other people's blogs and wish I could be as articulate, witty, or make as great connections as they do. Now, I'm not saying that I don't want an audience. I do. And I appreciate feedback. Perhaps one day I will find my own words to be an accurate representation of myself.

As a final note, I wish I knew where things stood. Enough said.


I have so much to hope for, so much to look forward to.

I hate being patient.

Monday, September 1, 2008

A New Month, A New Chance

Ah, September. The beginning of a whole new season. What can I do with this season this year? I'd make a list of goals but I'm too lazy. be persistent? To be a good student? It seems I make the same goals every year but I always end up not doing my readings and getting average grades on tests.

However, I feel like maybe I've turned over a whole new leaf this semester. Megan is getting married, so I'll no longer have a roommate who I can cling to at church. I have to make friends in the ward. And I'm excited about that. I've also got a new job that I'm very excited about. Perhaps these changes in myself and my life can translate to everything else I do? I hope so. I want to be a good student. I want to get good grades.

I think most importantly, I want to find something that I love. I've really been hoping that this semester, I will find something that I want to major in, something that I want to do, something that I love. I feel like I have started everything new, not taking any classes that I would normally have taken (with the exception of my dance classes and religion classes). Perhaps I will find something that I love. What if I don't? Then what? I try another branch of study? And another? And another? I feel like I'm never going to find anything. However, I am trying to be optimistic and hopeful that I will find something (or someone, haha) to love this semester. I actually feel fairly confident that I will.

Once again, I love life. And I love that I love it. I suppose I am more or less making a list of goals, and another one of those goals is to truly love life, even when things aren't necessarily going exactly the way I want them to. My Heavenly Father has a plan for me and He knows what He's doing, although I may not always agree with what He chooses to put in my path. I have to remember that what He does, He does for my own growth and learning. It's difficult to have that kind of perspective, especially during hard times, but I am going to try.

Another goal is to find someone to serve. Whether it be through a church calling (although I do not know yet what it is, I have a feeling that it's going to be a Relief Society Teacher) or some other way, I would like to find some time to be more selfless. Speaking of church callings, I feel quite conflicted about the whole ordeal. I feel like I want a music calling (something like a pianist), but at the same time, I feel like it's my time to take some responsibility in the ward and do something that will require more of my time and effort. I am not going to have any time to myself this semester!

I kind of like that idea, though.

Saturday, August 30, 2008


I have a confession. Every day, I check multiple blogs for new posts. There usually aren't any, and when I get to the end, I think to myself, "What's another blog that could possibly have a new post that I haven't read yet? So I go to my own blog. I check my own blog for new posts. When I get here I remember that I'm the one who's supposed to be writing in it. Which is probably why I write in this so often. I just need something new. I am seriously so messed up.

Ha ha

Friday, August 29, 2008

Boyz II Men

Tonight I went to a Boyz II Men concert on a date. I think it's safe to say that I was pretty excited about the date himself, and the concert was just the venue in which I would be spending my time with him, not paying much attention to anything else that would be going on. I had never really heard any of their music before, but I was pleasantly surprised. It was fairly similar to something like N*Sync or Backstreet Boys, but it was still very entertaining, especially seeing him singing all the words to every song. I told him he should run up to the front screaming like a little girl, but he didn't think that was a very good idea. I did convince him to blow them a kiss, but he would only do it if I blocked him so that no one else could see.

The important part about this post is that I had a really really good time tonight. The weird thing is that I had heard that this particular guy was weird or what not, from some girls in the ward (who aren't very trustworthy, but for some odd reason I believed them). Well, I saw him on Sunday and he taught the Sunday School lesson and I was very impressed. So, that night, we started chatting on Facebook, and I decided that maybe he wasn't so weird as they had previously described (or maybe he is weird and I like that...which is very possible). Anyways, I talked to him just about every night after that, until our date tonight, where we finally got to really hang out and talk in person. He was great fun! He's so funny, and we seem to have a lot in common.

In summary, I do like him, I've decided. I guess we'll see where this goes. It's so nice to be able to talk to someone who doesn't complain all the time and isn't pessimistic about everything (no names will be mentioned, but lately that's all I've been hearing from a certain guy friend of mine. It's gotten really old, really fast). He is happy and optimistic and just a great guy.

I love life. :)

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The Double Brush

So I was brushing my teeth tonight and I had the best idea! The double-brush! It's got bristles on both sides, so you can brush the top and bottom teeth at the same time! I was so excited, I got online to tell one of my friends about it.

Apparently, it already exists. Oh well.

Oh, just for references (so I'm not committing plaigarism or anything like that) the website is

Saturday, August 23, 2008


Yesterday was my birthday, the big 2-0. I'm no longer a teenager. I feel so different. (I realize that sarcasm is hard to relay through text, so I'll just throw out there that I was being facetious) Anyways, I've thought a lot lately about all the hype about birthdays. I always get really excited about my birthday, but then like a week before, I realize that I have no reason to be excited. See, I hate planning my own birthday. I hate it. I never really know what I want to do, I just want to do something fun with my friends. But I refuse to plan it. So, what happens is because I have refused to plan anything, I do nothing. Every year. Usually the day after has some redeeming quality, usually because someone notices that my birthday totally sucked and they decide to figure out something for us to do.

In all honesty, I've always wanted a surprise party. But how do you go about telling someone that? You don't. If you tell them, the surprise is totally ruined. So, I suppose to all those who read this (which is inclusive one), my birthday is on August 22, so you can throw me a surprise party next year. It would be greatly appreciated. Although, if you don't like planning surprise parties, just a party in general would be nice. As long as I don't have to plan it. :)

Monday, August 11, 2008


This may sound slightly creepy. But I read, daily, the blog of a person I do not know. He's a friend of a friend, but I find his blog to be inspiring, humorous, stirring, along with a plethora of other things. However, his recent posts have been filled with sadness. From what I can gather, he has been dating a girl who he really liked, and who recently broke up with him. His very latest blog post talks about what happened and how he's dealing with it. He's hurting a lot. I know that there are many of us who have experienced this set of emotions and circumstances, myself included. But I also know that when you are going through that, nothing can help you.

I do not know this person. But I find myself so sad for him. I really feel a deep emotion and connection to him, and I wish that I could find him and just hug him, tell him that everything is going to be okay, even though it doesn't feel like it's going to be. I'm sure that if I ever saw him and tried to do this, he would think I was a complete freak, but I just wish that I could. I wonder what it is about our human nature that makes us (or at least me) feel this way about a complete stranger. Not that I dislike it, I actually think that somehow I am, in some small way, showing a Christlike quality in my own life. Not that I'm trying to show it off, but if I think about it, that's what it seems like to me. I love the blessing of love in our lives. I feel like I have felt in a small part, the love that Christ has for each one of us. Except that He knows each of us so personally. I love that he finds a way to make it so that I can love a complete stranger.

We are so blessed.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Today's dinner

Today I had oatmeal for dinner--a very nutritious meal if you ask me. However, it was too thick when I took it out of the microwave (which of course only increases the....healthi-ness?? How healthy it is.), so I wanted to put some milk in it. But alas--we are out of milk! I was struck dumb as to what to I looked in the fridge, however, I noticed another dairy product--whipped cream. Like the kind that comes in the can with the nozzle on the top. So I figured--why not? It's pretty much the same as I put some in. Needless to say, it made the oatmeal sweeter. And a little less thick. But much less how I remember oatmeal tasting. I guess change is good every now and then....but note to future self: oatmeal and whipped cream mixed together is not the best meal choice.