Friday, November 21, 2008

"New Post"

I don't know what I'm going to write in this post. I feel like I have so much inside of me (other than vital organs and such), but I don't have any idea what it is, least of all how to describe it.

I only have to get through four more days. Three and a half, really. My family is coming down here for Thanksgiving, and I can't wait to see them. I can't wait to get out of Provo and away from all that's been going on here. I just need a break from everything, really. School, work, friends, and most of all, relationships. Or the lack thereof. Perhaps the ambiguity of everything here is what is so frustrating. Once again, the only thing that I want to do, because it just removes all thought but at the same time allows me to think about everything, is dance. I want to find my partner and just dance all night long. There's nothing ambiguous about dancing. I connect with my partner, and we just flow with each other. He is awesome. Neither of us are necessarily the best dancers, but that's what makes it so great. Neither of us feels intimidated or overshadowed by the other. He makes me so happy. Dancing makes me so happy.

Who knew I'd talk about dancing again? Not me. This post is just flowing from my mind, through my fingers, and onto this screen. I'm not holding much back. It's just coming.

I have such a conflicting set of emotions inside of me right now. I am happy. Even though things aren't going the way I want them to, I'm still happy. I know that's because I've asked the Lord to help me be. He has. It's not of my own doing. He has had a hand in this. I also feel sad, though. Sad that things have ended. Sad that new things have to start. Sad that things that I wish would start, simply won't. Sad that things that could start, things that I have pushed at first, aren't necessarily what I would choose now. I don't dwell on this though. I'm pretty sure that there are only 2 things that are going to get me through these next few days: 1. My family coming. I have missed them. So much. And 2. Jeff coming in 8 days. I cannot wait to see him. Don't ask me how I've gone all this time without seeing him. It's nice to be able to talk to him, but actually being able to see him, to be around him, to hug him, it will be awesome. He is my best friend. It's like I'm going to get a piece of myself back. I can't wait for it.

I know everyone is going to say, if you have such a connection with this guy, why don't you date him? This is me rolling my eyes. You have no idea how much I've heard this. Believe me, I have entertained the idea. It just gets old when people try to push it on me. I'm not going to make anything happen that just isn't what I want. I've already talked to Jeff about this. We'll see what it's like between us when we see each other. Until then, we're still just best friends. And no matter what, we'll stay best friends. That's the best way to do it, right?

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