Old

You guys. I've started 3 different posts tonight but have given up on all of them. I really want to write but I don't have anything to say. 

I'm turning 25 next month and generally I don't feel old when I'm interacting with...the people I generally interact with. Until last week. 

I'm involved in a production of "Arsenic and Old Lace" at the Valley Center Playhouse in Lindon. I play the part of Elaine, who is engaged to Mortimer, the main character. At one of our rehearsals last week, the director wanted me and Mortimer to get to know each other better, so we just sat and talked for about a half hour. 

The guy who plays Mortimer was telling me about where he lives, which is a small town just inside the Provo canyon. He told me that most of the people who live there have lived there since they were little kids. And then he said, "But now they're old. Like, they have kids now and they're like 30 or 40." 

I reeled (not literally, just in my head). When he said "old," in my mind I figured they were 70 or 80. 30 or 40 is old? Granted, this guy recently graduated high school and so is likely 18 or 19. I remember being 18 and thinking that 30 or 40 was old. But 18 wasn't that long ago for me. At least, it doesn't feel that way. But now, 30 isn't so far away either and I don't feel old. Am I old? 

It's like that episode of Friends where Rachel turns 30 and they talk about when they were kids and mean old Mrs. Traeger lived down the road, but looking back now, they realized that she was 30. 

I'm sure as time goes on and I get older I'll feel this way more often, but for now, I'll pretend like it didn't happen and that I'm not actually that old. That works, right?

Secret #31

Mad props to the men brave enough to sport a skullet. That takes some serious self-confidence, right there, I tell you what.

The Beginner's Guide to Passive-Aggressively Making Your Neighbor Hate Your Guts

*The real first step of this is to live in a house which is shared with two other tenants. Also, there must be a shared washer and dryer in the basement and the house must be super old with paper thin walls, floors, and ceilings.

1. When your neighbors first move in, establish a system where you take their trash can out to the street for them on trash day, and they will bring your trash can back from the street for you after the garbage truck has come. Wait until a week when they have a lot of trash in their can, and then decide that the system isn't necessary anymore, and don't take their trash can out. Watch with glee as they spend the next week trying to cram more trash bags into their trash can because they thought they had a relationship built with you. Laugh at their naivety.

2. When your yard is full of leaves, sit and watch out your window as your neighbors clean up all the leaves in the yard (which takes them about 2-3 hours) and don't send your 8 and 10 year-old children out to help.

3. Laundry:
      a. Find a time when your neighbor starts to do their laundry. Wait until the washer has just finished. Take some incredibly important laundry down that you simply can't wait to wash. Take your neighbor's wet laundry out of the washer (bonus points if it's their white sheets) and put them on top of the incredibly dirty dryer. Put your clothes in the washer, and then leave your house. For the day. Don't worry about putting your clothes in the dryer for at least the next 24-48 hours.
              a1. If you don't manage to get down to the washer before they do (I mean, who really pays attention to how long the washer is going to take??), have no fear! As soon as you hear them coming down the stairs with their next load of laundry, grab whatever clothes you have available, put them in a basket, and walk out your door at the exact moment they do. This will cause them to feel guilty and let you do your laundry in the middle of theirs. This is your chance to leave your clothes in the washer (or dryer, if you actually care about your clothes not getting moldy) all day. This technique will make them especially mad, because they know you saw that they had more laundry to do. Plus one for you! 
      b. Generally, whenever you do your laundry, try your best to leave things in the washer or dryer for as long as possible. Don't leave a basket downstairs for your neighbor to put your clothes into (I mean, they're nice people and wouldn't to put your clothes on top of the dirty dryer, so take advantage of that), causing them to never be able to use the washer and dryer.
      c.  Never, ever, ever clean out the lint trap on the dryer. If you're lucky, you could burn the house down! Bonus points for complaining to the neighbor that sometimes the dryer just doesn't work and you can't figure out why.
      d. Teach your children to do their own laundry, and then make them do it. Make sure they leave chocolate bars in their pockets that will melt and then burn, solid as a rock into the side of the dryer, but not before it leaves chocolate smears on the next few loads of laundry.

4. Never, ever pick up your dog's poop.

5. Making a lot of noise is a beginner's technique. To really be considered a master, make persistent tapping or banging noises on one of your walls. Do it every day, and make sure to make the noise at a constant rate.

This message is brought to you by my downstairs neighbor. She's the ultimate expert on this topic.

Secret #30

I'm currently on my lunch break at work, eating a pot pie. Usually in the mornings I wake up at the last possible minute, so I don't have time to make myself a lunch for the day. A few weeks back I bought a box of frozen chicken pot pies from Costco in the hopes that one of those would be able to hold me over on the days that I wasn't able to make a lunch (which, consequently, seems to be every day) or convince one of my coworkers that they want to go out to lunch.

I think since I bought them, I've eaten 4 or 5 of them. They've actually got a lot of things in them: chicken, carrots, celery, peas, and onions. And of course the pie itself and the sauce.

The problem is that I don't like peas, onions, or cooked celery. So for the first 2 pies, I had chicken and carrot pot pie. Not too bad. But I kept feeling sick after I finished them and had this weird film on the roof of my mouth. 2 pies ago, I decided to not eat the chicken. This was because I found a particularly sketchy piece in my mouth that felt and tasted like cartilage and nothing else. After closer inspection of the chicken, I discovered that the chicken in these pies is suuuuuper sketchy. Like real bad.

So now, my lunch is a "carrot and sauce" pot pie. The upside to this is that the crust of these pies is really, really good, so I get to taste more of it because there's no other crap in my mouth to interfere with the taste of the crust.

Maybe I should start making lunches for myself...

Secret #29

1. This is my 200th post. Part of the reason I haven't posted in so long is because I've been trying to decide what to do it about. I gave up. Here it is.

2. I have a few favorite words. Narcoleptic is one of them. Another one..well, let's just say its definition is a little unfortunate, because it's an awesome word. What's the word, you ask? Chlamydia.

Just say it. It's fun.

Living

Since we got married, Kagan and I have tried to "live off the land" if you will. How do we do this, living in an apartment complex, with no option of a garden or livestock? Let me tell you.

Every morning, I have a breakfast drink. It's fast, easy, and fairly healthy. The most important quality of this meal option is that it is fast. I generally don't have tons of time in the morning, so fast is best. This drink is usually consumed in the car, while on the way to work. I don't know if you've ever drank (drunk? I don't really know) out of a glass in a moving vehicle, but it's incredibly difficult. The perfect solution: drink out of a straw.

Another situation: I don't like ketchup. Kagan does, but he doesn't often eat things that he wants ketchup with. We don't really want to buy ketchup, just because Kagan eats it so rarely at home.

Here's the connection between the two: whenever we go out to eat at a fast food place, we just take a few extra straws, or maybe a couple packets of ketchup (ok, maybe more than a few), as our needs may be.

So, you see? We are living off the land. Being resourceful, if you will. I've never had to buy straws, and we've never bought a bottle of ketchup. However, our needs are met. Can't beat that.

Adventures in Texting

Tonight Kagan received a text from a random number, and I decided to have a conversation with this person. The following is a transcript of our conversation (almost exactly as it happened, grammar, spelling mistakes, and all):

Mandy: Hey its mandy cynthia gave me ur number

Mandy: cynthia said to txt you

Brooklyn: Um, I dont know why cynthia told you to text me, but we're not friends anymore

Mandy: u and cynthia

Brooklyn: yeah. She ate my last piece of shepherd's pie and that was it. straw that broke the camel's back.

Mandy: that's weird she sent me a pic that she drew that said i luv alex shes made at me for saying yes

Brooklyn: well that's her problem, not ours. i'm a little confused, tho. why did she want you to text me?

M:because she wanted me to ask u if u liked her

B: well i think it's a bit obvious how i feel, don't you?

M: ya it is she thinks you got dared to ask me out and my cousin wants to see a pic of you

B: do you think i got dared to ask you out? i cant send a pic my camera is broke. find me on facebook.

M: okay whats ur last name and idk if u were or not

B:i cant believe you said yes to go out with me and you dont even know my last name. ask cynthia. she knows.

M: well no i dont know just tell me

B (in an attempt to change the subject): my mom bought me a tarantula today and i think it just bit me. are tarantulas poisonous? I'm worried where it bit me might fall off

M: Ur a dork and i have no idea

B: no seriously. this is a pretty vital body part.

M: dont want to know and whats ur last name please tell me

B: muhahaha this is too fun. never telling. i'll tell you tomorrow when i see you. how about that?

M: Ur mean im on fb so just tell me please

B: you're on facebook all the time, not like it's anything new

M: How did u know that

B: you just give off that vibe. enough about me. tell me something about you that i dont know.

M: u ask ill answer

B: ok. do you think my muscles are big enough?

M: I dont havent seen um

B: it's not like i only every wear long-sleeved turtlenecks. i'm sure you've taken a little peek before at least once

M: nope when i met u u had a jacket on

B: speaking of jackets...do you ever feel trapped? I do. have you ever had a dream to do something other than what's expected of you? I just feel so trapped and want someone who will understand me...

M:(picture message of a completely black picture) Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Forward this message to 15 people and then look back at the picture. at first you will just see black, but if you forward this message, the photo will reveal the name of your true love. If u dont forward you will never know your true love. Try it it actually works unlike all of the other forwards like this. So if you want to know the love of your life just forward it to 15 people.

M: Nice and any other questions

B: those things actually work, you know. once i didnt forward one of those messages and it actually came true. I puked up a small rodent and it infected my entire elementary school with influenza. worst 4th grade ever.

B: ok. ever been married?

M: nice

M: no thx ive dated alot of guys and made out and kissed but no married

B: why not? I knew a guy who had been married 3 times by the time he was your age. he was a polygamist though, so that could have had something to do with it. at least, i think he was your age. how old are you again?

M: 12

B: wow you look a lot younger. when i asked you out i thought you were 11.

M: no

B: weird. so what do you do for fun?

B (after like 15 minutes of no response): was that a bad question? how about...would you rather live in the shirt pocket of a sweaty giant, or in his shower drain?

M: that wasnt a bad question i was showering i play football for fun and softball

B: what about the sweaty giant?

M: shirt pocket

B: and why is that?

M: i dont know sooooo any other questions

B: have you ever had someone text you thinking they were texting a guy they liked and then you played along just for fun?...

M: nope by the way u act like a third or fourth grader its really weird do you swear

B: I dont think you got it. I hate to break it to you mandy, but my name's not alex. it's brooklyn, and I'm a 23 year-old recent college grad. I've had a fun time talking to you, and good luck with cynthia and alex.

M: Haha real funny


If you ask me, this was a good use of my time tonight. What do you think? :)

Secret #28

I think that people who adamantly oppose evolution only do it for one reason: they don't understand evolution in and of itself. Sure, they know the "basics," but that does not mean they understand it. Whether it's because they are unintentionally, or, as is usually the case, very purposefully uninformed, I really honestly believe that if they simply knew what it really was, they would see how simple, easy, and logical it is.

And, most importantly, evolution does not have to attack whatever God you happen to worship. I believe in God very much, and I also believe in evolution very much. There are no problems here.

If you happen to be one of those people...stop making arguments with your eyes wide shut. Take some time to learn, with an open mind, about evolution, and you'll see it's really not that bad. At all.

Pets vs. Babies

As the end of our housing contract approaches, Kagan and I have been discussing whether we want to renew and continue living where we currently are, or if we want to move. We decided that the only way we would move is if we found a place that was about the same price (or better, less) as our place (including utilities, which is difficult since the cost of our internet is included in our rent), in a good location, about the same size as our place, and, here's the clincher: allows pets. Yes, Kagan and I want to get a pet. Specifically, a dog.

I could go into the discussion of whether we really should get a dog or not, but that's not what we're here to talk about. We're here to talk about pet policies of apartments in Provo/Orem.

I'll start by saying this: it is incredibly difficult to find a place in Provo that allows pets, let alone a place that allows pets and isn't super expensive. No one wants to let you have pets in their apartments. I can understand that they don't want your dog to pee/poop all over the carpet or chew up the baseboards, puke up all its dog food on the carpet, etc. I get that.

Here's what I don't get: why do apartments not allow pets, but they DO allow people to have children in their homes? They're just as, if not more destructive than pets. Sure, a dog may poop or pee on your carpet, but unless it's got a pretty bad case of the runs, it's easy to clean up. Dogs generally aren't dumb enough to sit down in their poop and drag it all over the house, or to roll in it and dig it into the carpet. Oh no. Dogs would hardly ever do that.

But a child? Those things love poop. They have no problems reaching down the back of their diaper and grabbing a handful of whatever happens to be in there, and then drawing you a nice, incredibly smelly and hard to remove picture on your walls and carpet. And baby poop stinks. Not like dog poop doesn't stink, but baby poop is, 90% of the time, raunchy.

Then you have the issue of baby puke. Dogs puke. Occasionally it may get in your carpet and yeah, it stinks. You clean it up, and generally the smell goes away. If it doesn't, shampoo your carpets. Problem solved. However, how often do dogs puke? If there's something really wrong with your dog, maybe once a month.

But babies? They puke like every hour, on the hour, and every half hour in between that. And then it gets in your carpet, and boy, does that stuff stink. Sure, you can clean it up or even shampoo your carpet, but that stuff is lasting. Plus, you can't shampoo your carpet every day. You might as well just replace your carpet once a month. Let me tell you, I've gone to far more baby owners' homes whose houses smell like rotten milk (baby throw up) than dog owners homes whose houses smell like dirty nasty dog smell.

My point is this: what the heck, Provo? This is ridiculous.

Please, Provo, give me a place to live that is the criteria we're looking for. I will be forever grateful.

Inconsistent

I feel bad that I hardly ever post anymore. Unfortunately, my life is slightly less-varied than it used to be. Rather than getting inspiration for posts from weird BYU students, my inspiration now comes from my slightly normal co-workers, my "office" (quotes because I don't know if I can really call it an office. It's where I do my work, but it's also a storage room for tables, t-shirts, and other odds and ends. Maybe it's a storofice. Yep, made that word up just now. I originally had storfice, but I like that it has the word orifice in it now.), and my husband. Those are pretty much the only things that I interact with on a daily basis. Working 40 hours a week in an office has its perks, but inspiration for blog posts is not included in those perks.

Lately I've been thinking of things to blog about but have been working and can't just drop everything to get on my blog and write whilst getting paid to do exactly not that. That would be dishonest, and while I enjoy the interspersed sarcastic fib, I don't generally indulge in stealing time and money from my company. Maybe I'll devote a pad of post-it's to blog ideas...

We'll see.