Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Beginner's Guide to Passive-Aggressively Making Your Neighbor Hate Your Guts

*The real first step of this is to live in a house which is shared with two other tenants. Also, there must be a shared washer and dryer in the basement and the house must be super old with paper thin walls, floors, and ceilings.

1. When your neighbors first move in, establish a system where you take their trash can out to the street for them on trash day, and they will bring your trash can back from the street for you after the garbage truck has come. Wait until a week when they have a lot of trash in their can, and then decide that the system isn't necessary anymore, and don't take their trash can out. Watch with glee as they spend the next week trying to cram more trash bags into their trash can because they thought they had a relationship built with you. Laugh at their naivety.

2. When your yard is full of leaves, sit and watch out your window as your neighbors clean up all the leaves in the yard (which takes them about 2-3 hours) and don't send your 8 and 10 year-old children out to help.

3. Laundry:
      a. Find a time when your neighbor starts to do their laundry. Wait until the washer has just finished. Take some incredibly important laundry down that you simply can't wait to wash. Take your neighbor's wet laundry out of the washer (bonus points if it's their white sheets) and put them on top of the incredibly dirty dryer. Put your clothes in the washer, and then leave your house. For the day. Don't worry about putting your clothes in the dryer for at least the next 24-48 hours.
              a1. If you don't manage to get down to the washer before they do (I mean, who really pays attention to how long the washer is going to take??), have no fear! As soon as you hear them coming down the stairs with their next load of laundry, grab whatever clothes you have available, put them in a basket, and walk out your door at the exact moment they do. This will cause them to feel guilty and let you do your laundry in the middle of theirs. This is your chance to leave your clothes in the washer (or dryer, if you actually care about your clothes not getting moldy) all day. This technique will make them especially mad, because they know you saw that they had more laundry to do. Plus one for you! 
      b. Generally, whenever you do your laundry, try your best to leave things in the washer or dryer for as long as possible. Don't leave a basket downstairs for your neighbor to put your clothes into (I mean, they're nice people and wouldn't to put your clothes on top of the dirty dryer, so take advantage of that), causing them to never be able to use the washer and dryer.
      c.  Never, ever, ever clean out the lint trap on the dryer. If you're lucky, you could burn the house down! Bonus points for complaining to the neighbor that sometimes the dryer just doesn't work and you can't figure out why.
      d. Teach your children to do their own laundry, and then make them do it. Make sure they leave chocolate bars in their pockets that will melt and then burn, solid as a rock into the side of the dryer, but not before it leaves chocolate smears on the next few loads of laundry.

4. Never, ever pick up your dog's poop.

5. Making a lot of noise is a beginner's technique. To really be considered a master, make persistent tapping or banging noises on one of your walls. Do it every day, and make sure to make the noise at a constant rate.

This message is brought to you by my downstairs neighbor. She's the ultimate expert on this topic.

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