Pressure

Why is it that once you know you have someone watching you, things get so much harder to do?

I'm pretty sure this applies to just about everything. For example, when I was in Israel, I volunteered to play the piano in sacrament meeting. I had a song picked out that was right at the top of my skill level, so I worked for weeks on this song to learn it well enough to play it in church. The day came that I was to play, and I had it down pretty well. I decided to ask someone to listen to it to tell me if it was good, and I did worse than I normally did, when they watched. I decided to ask a few other people. Still did poorly. Perhaps my worst performance was later that day in front of the 300+ people in the auditorium waiting for me to finish this piece that I had so meticulously practiced, only to completely botch it when it came time to put all my hard work to use.

I feel that way about this blog. It was so much easier to write when I thought I didn't have an audience. It's bittersweet though, because every time I wrote before, I always hoped that someone else would read it, maybe just stumble upon it blog surfing and think it was good. But, the other day, I was informed by a friend that my blog was being read, and now....I can't write. It's almost like writer's block, but it's just the pressure. I've never been a particularly splendid writer, but I always wished I was. Having myself as an audience made me feel great about my writing, but now I just feel like I have to set a higher standard or something. I know people don't expect blogs to be professional pieces of literature, but I read other people's blogs and wish I could be as articulate, witty, or make as great connections as they do. Now, I'm not saying that I don't want an audience. I do. And I appreciate feedback. Perhaps one day I will find my own words to be an accurate representation of myself.

As a final note, I wish I knew where things stood. Enough said.