Any last words?

The other day I was on the phone with someone, and I noticed something that I do. I don't know why I do it, and I don't try, but it just happens. Whenever the conversation comes to an end, I always have to be the last one to say goodbye. I really honestly don't know why, but it feels wrong to me if I don't. I'll even wait an awkward amount of time in silence for the other person to say bye first. It's really weird. Because I noticed it, I try hard not to do it, and I've done pretty good. But still, every time I do it, I feel like I'm cutting the other person off halfway through a sentence or something, even if I'm not. I am a strange person.

"New Post"

I don't know what I'm going to write in this post. I feel like I have so much inside of me (other than vital organs and such), but I don't have any idea what it is, least of all how to describe it.

I only have to get through four more days. Three and a half, really. My family is coming down here for Thanksgiving, and I can't wait to see them. I can't wait to get out of Provo and away from all that's been going on here. I just need a break from everything, really. School, work, friends, and most of all, relationships. Or the lack thereof. Perhaps the ambiguity of everything here is what is so frustrating. Once again, the only thing that I want to do, because it just removes all thought but at the same time allows me to think about everything, is dance. I want to find my partner and just dance all night long. There's nothing ambiguous about dancing. I connect with my partner, and we just flow with each other. He is awesome. Neither of us are necessarily the best dancers, but that's what makes it so great. Neither of us feels intimidated or overshadowed by the other. He makes me so happy. Dancing makes me so happy.

Who knew I'd talk about dancing again? Not me. This post is just flowing from my mind, through my fingers, and onto this screen. I'm not holding much back. It's just coming.

I have such a conflicting set of emotions inside of me right now. I am happy. Even though things aren't going the way I want them to, I'm still happy. I know that's because I've asked the Lord to help me be. He has. It's not of my own doing. He has had a hand in this. I also feel sad, though. Sad that things have ended. Sad that new things have to start. Sad that things that I wish would start, simply won't. Sad that things that could start, things that I have pushed at first, aren't necessarily what I would choose now. I don't dwell on this though. I'm pretty sure that there are only 2 things that are going to get me through these next few days: 1. My family coming. I have missed them. So much. And 2. Jeff coming in 8 days. I cannot wait to see him. Don't ask me how I've gone all this time without seeing him. It's nice to be able to talk to him, but actually being able to see him, to be around him, to hug him, it will be awesome. He is my best friend. It's like I'm going to get a piece of myself back. I can't wait for it.

I know everyone is going to say, if you have such a connection with this guy, why don't you date him? This is me rolling my eyes. You have no idea how much I've heard this. Believe me, I have entertained the idea. It just gets old when people try to push it on me. I'm not going to make anything happen that just isn't what I want. I've already talked to Jeff about this. We'll see what it's like between us when we see each other. Until then, we're still just best friends. And no matter what, we'll stay best friends. That's the best way to do it, right?

Another Lonely Day

Song lyrics sometimes have a way of taking the words right out of your mouth.

I think at one time or another, a person going through a breakup feels the way this song describes. I have mostly passed this stage, but there are times when I find myself falling back into this. Either way, this song is probably one of my favorites.

Yes indeed, I'm alone again,
And here comes emptiness crashing in.
It's either love or hate,
I can't find in between,
'cause I've been with witches and I've been with a queen.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may,
But for now it's just another lonely day.

Wish there was something now I could say or do.
I can resist anything but the temptation from you.
But I'd rather walk alone than chase you around.
I'd rather fall myself than let you drag me on down.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
And now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may,
But for now, it's just another lonely day.

Yesterday seems like a life ago,
'cause the one I love today, I hardly know,
You I held so close in my heart, Oh dear,
Grow further from me with every fallen tear.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may,
But for now it's just another lonely day.
For now it's just another lonely day.
For now it's just another lonely day.

Oh, in case you were wondering, this is "Another Lonely Day" by Ben Harper.

I feel like I had more to say about this, but I can't think of what it was...all I know is that I hope that for me (and for others going through similar situations), that this stage can pass rather quickly. That's all.

Cancer

So, a lot of times I'll just be walking on campus and I will think of something that I should blog about, but then by the time I get home or I get to my computer, I can't remember it. Well, last night, I was trying to remember something, so I went to write it in my phone, and I discovered that the other day when I had thought of one of these things, I wrote it down in my phone! So now you get an insight into the workings of my mind...beware.

What is it about cancer that makes people great? See, 99% of the time, when you hear of someone who has cancer, people say, "Oh, he/she is such a great person, that's so sad." You never hear people say, "Man, that guy is a dirty scumbag, he totally deserves that." Something about cancer just makes people great. Maybe they really HAVE been a scumbag, but as soon as they get cancer**, people say that they are so great, that it couldn't have happened to a better person, how much they hope that person will get through it, etc.

Is it only cancer that makes people feel this way about you? I wish people would say those kinds of things about me, but am I willing to get cancer to accomplish these results? I don't really know if it's worth it to me.

In closing, this insight has given new meaning to me for a particular saying:

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them"


**This almost always excludes self-induced cancers: lung cancer from smoking, skin cancer from fakin'-bakin', etc.

Decisions

Warning: I read this post after I wrote it, and I'd like to tell you right now, it is quite parenthetically drenched, if you will. So, although I do actually know the real use of parenthesis, for some strange reason, while writing this, I completely disregarded them. And now that you've been warned, continue on into the world of many many parenthesis.

So, when I have a decision to make, and I just can't decide what I want, I employ a tried and tested strategy (tried and tested by me, and it almost always works). What I do is, I place whatever it is I'm deciding between (whether the actual objects or representations of them) in front of me, and I play "Eenie Meenie Miney Moe" with them. Now, this doesn't actually make my decision for me (that would be a pretty lame solution to my problem, and would also make for quite a short and pointless blog post). What happens is, I land on one, and then if I am disappointed in what I got, I know what I really wanted. And if not, I know that it's actually what I wanted (or that it just wasn't that important). This strategy, although seemingly childish, is actually very effective. I'm not really sure when I started doing it, but it has certainly changed my life.

Now, the only problem with this is, it can only be used for fairly trivial things: what to wear that day, what to have for breakfast or dinner, how I want to do my hair, etc. I hope to be able to find a way to utilize this in future, more important decisions. "Should I be a biology major, or a sociology major?" "Should I continue dating this guy, or not?" "Should I live with this person, or that person?" The list goes on. If only these decisions could somehow be made simple. If we could but factor out the difficulty of the situation (I'm currently at work in the math lab, so I can't help but make math references), life would be so much easier.

Another thing I've wondered about making big decisions is how people who...well, let me phrase this differently. I've grown up a member of the LDS (Mormon) church all my life. One of the things that we believe and practice is that our Heavenly Father has an genuine interest in and plays an active part in our lives, and that if we need to make a big decision (or sometimes, even a small one), we can turn to Him for help in which decision is the right one. As such, I have always turned to my Father in prayer for help with many decisions that I have had to make. I rely quite heavily on His guidance. What I wonder is, how do people who don't turn to the Lord make these big decisions? And, more importantly, how do they feel confidence and assurance that the choice they have made is the best, most correct, or most beneficial of all the options? Although I may not learn what the outcomes of my decisions will be until after they have occurred, it is my faith in the Lord that allows me to feel that peace in the choices that I make.

Man. The church is true. I love it. :)

Committer

This is a blog I wrote a little bit ago, and I've been debating whether or not to post it. Well, today I just decided to do it, so here goes. Enjoy.


I make commitments. Others make them to me. But how do you know if your level of commitment is the same as the other person?

This seems to be my common problem lately. And by lately I mean for the past couple of years. I'm not really sure if it's a communication problem or just something that naturally occurs between people sometimes, but I've tried doing things differently many times, and none of the changes seem to work.

I suppose my real question in this is: how do you know? How do you determine? Asking usually provides little insight into the workings of someone else's mind, at least in my experience. Although he or she may answer truthfully, I find that this kind of thing is hard to express, even for those not verbally challenged like myself. In almost all situations where a commitment is required, it seems that one person commits his or her self more than the other.

For example, in a few weeks I will be competing in the DanceSport competition (for those who don't know, it's a ballroom competition). A guy in my class asked me to be his partner, and I accepted. Now, I'm not exactly sure what his desires are concerning the outcome of the competition, but personally, I want to do well. How do I go about asking him about his intentions? And what if he is in it merely for the experience? Can I convince him to work hard for me? Can I change his motivations, and his level of commitment? It doesn't seem like something that can be changed easily.

This example is just one situation that I've experienced within the past little while. I understand that each of these experiences is for my learning and growing, but at the same time....it would be nice to catch a break. I feel like I constantly live the same situation over and over (literally, the same situation, at least 5 times in the past year alone), and I have no control over it. Perhaps if I made myself emotionally detached from everyone else, that would help? I don't think that would work. I am an emotional person, and I wear that emotion on my sleeve, whether people like it or not. How can I avoid this situation? I feel like I am constantly putting my all into everything, but that "all" is not reciprocated. Ever. How do I change that?