Confession

Here's something I've been wanting to talk about but have been to embarrassed what the reactions will be of the people I tell (mainly my husband and my mother). I don't want people to know. So here I am, posting on the internet about it because...well, there's no people on the internet, right? Right?

Here goes: I'm not going to grad school. I didn't even turn in my application. The deadline was February 1st and the night before I remember thinking to myself, "Maybe I should finish it and turn it in even though I don't have a professor to work with." Then I justified not doing it by remembering that I already blew $70 on a GRE Subject test that I decided I didn't want to take, and I would just be blowing $50 on this application, because the odds of me getting accepted without having a professor who wants me to work with him is just about slim to none. Then I remembered that if I didn't apply then I would have wasted another $70 on the GRE that I took but that now will go toward nothing since I'm not going to grad school.

Needless to say, there has been a lot of justifying going on in my head, both for and against going to grad school. However, that's how it's been since I started considering the possibility that I would go, so I'm fairly used to it.

In the end, it came down to this: is this really something that I'm willing to put myself through? I have absolutely no desire to go to grad school. None. After talking to professors and some grad students, I've come to realize that grad school is already awful and miserable enough, you don't want to do it if you're not doing something that you're really passionate about. And honestly...I can't think of anything that I would be able to study at BYU that I am truly and honestly passionate about studying for 2+ years. It seems like the things I am interested in change so rapidly that I don't think I could commit to doing the same thing for that long. Right now, I would love nothing more than to study dogs. Yes, the domesticated canine that you have sitting on your lap or on the floor next to you as you read this (if that is the case I am incredibly jealous, by the way. I want a dog more than anything). It's strange, but I love dogs and want to learn all I can about them. I was so interested in behavioral ecology while in school, and it's something that I'm still interested in, but I don't have a particular animal that I want to study, which is what I would have done in grad school.

I feel like this is the right decision. Even if it's not, there's really nothing that I can do about it since the deadline has passed, but that is beside the point. I've been on the lookout for job opportunities, and have even applied and interviewed for a few. Until then, I have a good job that I like, working with people I love. That's good enough for me.

Done!

Well, I'm done with college! I officially finished my last final at about 3:15, 45 minutes after starting it. I kinda lost steam at the end of this semester, along with any will to study. But I'm done, so it doesn't matter!

I wrote a really long and kind of depressing post the other night about graduating. I'll consider posting it. I hate complain-y blog posts, which is why I didn't post it after I wrote it, but I also like to be honest, which it very much is. Again...I'll think about it.

I don't really have anything to write about besides the fact that I finished college today. It's a big milestone! Now I need to think of something to do to celebrate slash some awesome thing to buy for myself now that I will lose 2 of my jobs at the end of December (they're on-campus jobs and so I won't be able to work at them once I'm not a student anymore) and will make substantially less than I am now. But I'm graduating so that's my reason for deserving something awesome. Any ideas? Trips to exotic places won't really be an option, although that would be cool. Maybe I'll buy some puffed Cheetos. That's a pretty good reward, right?

Anyway if you have any ideas you should comment on here and I will take them into consideration.

Yay for me!

Secret #27

I hate it when people spell the word "Yeah" as "Yea" or "Yah." They just look wrong to me.

Secret #26

When business or signs in general have "est. (year)" I always think the est means estimated. I don't think I figured out what it was until I was in college.

It always bothered me that some business didn't even know when it had started, and that they had to estimate it...

I'm alive!

Yes, it's true. I'm not actually dead. Just incredibly busy.

You may think that with only taking 7 credits this semester, one of which is a dance class and two of which are working in a lab, I wouldn't actually be that busy. If you do, you're wrong.

You see, along with my 7 credits, I also have 3 jobs and am preparing to apply for grad school. My days usually go something like this:

Go to school
Go to my TA job
Go to lab
Go to receptionist job
Go back to TA job
Go home and do TA stuff and homework
Go to sleep
Lather, rinse, repeat.

It's been crazy. Along with that, last week I was preparing to take the GRE, and starting next week, I'll be preparing to take the Biology Subject GRE test in November, which will be much harder than the normal GRE was.

So, needless to say, I don't have a lot of time for blogging (or anything, for that matter). In fact, I'm currently avoiding studying for the test that I have to take tomorrow morning (I don't have any other time that I can take it) by downloading songs and writing this post.

Hopefully I make it through this semester and that I get into grad school. Either way, you'll probably hear from me more in about 3 months. :)

Don't player hate on me...

Ok, is one of you messing with me? She posted again!

"Im looking for a pool so my kids can enjoy for the summer i have 5 kids!!
If you have a pool that is not ripped and that is in good conditions! please sell it to me!! it has to be $20 or less! because i can waste that much money! Please give me a call if you have a pool that you can sell to me please give me a call so i can go take a look at it!
Thanks please contact me if you can sell one to me!! for a cheap price!!!
It can be any size i just want a pool for my children to enjoy!!"

Double exclamation points now. And if possible, even worse grammar.

I don't not see the connection here. Fess up, whoever you are! (yes, I used one. On purpose.)

(link to actual post)

Remember?

Remember that post I wrote a few days ago about how the exclamation point is WAAAAAAAAAAAY overused and how it's ruining the way people write and read?

Here's evidence that I found on Craigslist today:

"I need a pool for my kids i have 5 kids that really want a pool for the summer for the hot days they really want a swimming pool! but saddly i cant afford buying a brand new swimming pool!
If you have a swimming pool that you could sell to us for a very cheap price please email me!
Or if you have any kind of pool! that you could sell to us! because my children really want a pool! for the summer if you could help us that would be nice!
Thanks for looking!
please email me if you can sell us one or give to us!
Thanks!"

Find it here if you don't believe me. I just copied and pasted it.

This whole thing really makes me want to vomit on myself. It's not only the bad grammar and incomplete sentences that make it gag-inducing, but to throw an exclamation point at the end of every sentence and even in the middle of some...are you trying to kill me?

Couldn't Be Happier

Sometimes I forget the title of my blog (see above). To be honest, sometimes it's not always the truth.

I learned a lesson this week. I've been without a job for about 2 months now I think. Well, this is kind of a lie. I do in fact have a job, but I only work about 5-8 hours a week there. And I really don't enjoy the work that I do, which makes it even more difficult to go in and log hours.

Kagan has a job (or 2) but it's still been really stressful on me (to say the least) not having a job and not really having an income. Not only has it been stressful, but also very frustrating, because I just don't know where to look for one anymore. To top it off, I'm tired of having jobs that I hate, so I've been kind of selective with what I want to do. I also would rather not get another job on campus, because I'll lose it in December when I graduate and be right back where I am now.

I've got a lot going against me, to say the least.

A few nights ago, I had I think the worst breakdown I've ever had. I didn't know what to do. Every option Kagan gave me, I had some kind of excuse for of why I couldn't do it (campus job: be unemployed again in December. Find a job on craigslist: that's what I've been trying to do for the last 2 months and I haven't even gotten one call about any of them. Try out substitute teaching: school is out for the summer. The list goes on and on). It felt (and still feels) completely hopeless. I still have absolutely no idea what to do.

However, after the breakdown, Heavenly Father decided he wanted me to know what's going on. No, that's an overstatement. Heavenly Father decided he was sick of hearing me complain. So he told me (multiple times, actually) to learn to be happy about this. Learn to be happy with the 5 hour a week job that I have. Learn to be happy sitting in my house mostly all day, every day, alone. Learn to be happy feeling like I'm not contributing anything.

I've set some goals, made a conscious effort, and I'm going into a new week. As Miss Stacey/Anne says, "Tomorrow is fresh, with no mistakes in it...yet." Wish me luck as I learn a lesson which will take me to a place that I probably hadn't anticipated.

Also I get to go home next weekend, and stay for nearly a week! I'm so excited! :)

The Exclamation Point

It's a tricky thing. Well...to some people.

I've always been very conservative in my exclamation point usage. Why? Because the exclamation point should really only be used when you would actually exclaim something.

Read this article, and you'll understand how I feel about the exclamation point. He says it way better than I could, plus he's already said it, so why should I say it again? Read it. Appreciate it.

Have you read it? Please read it before you continue. It'll make much more sense if you do.

Yes, it is ruining the world. People use it far too often. Whenever I read it, the upward inflection happens in my head. It's extremely irritating.

I once considered dating a guy who lived a few cities away. As a result, we spent a fair amount of time texting. However, I decided I didn't want to date him after about a day of this texting business. Why, you may ask? It was solely because he ended every sentence in every one of his texts with an exclamation point (also he was slightly creepy, but maybe the exclamation points played a part in that). It was brain melting to me. Every added exclamation point was like a nail being driven deeper and deeper into my head, killing me more and more.

I guess the moral of the story is, please reduce the use of your exclamation points by only using them when necessary. Please!

Santa

I don't have a lot of memories from my very young childhood. However, many of the ones that I have are very vivid.

I remember when I was about 5 or 6, I desperately wanted one of those little kitchen play sets that all my friends had (one of these). Christmas was coming, and I was sure I would get it. I wanted it so bad. *SO* bad!

Also, I had been a good girl, so I figured Santa would reward me for my good deeds and get me my heart's true desire (the kitchen thing).

Christmas morning came, and I clearly remember the pajamas that my grandmother had made for me. They were light blue, and I remember feeling like Princess Jasmine from Aladdin in them (which will come to be ironic later on). I went out to the living room, filled with presents, and there it was: a huge box, just the right size to fit a kitchen play set. And it was for me! I knew right away that all my dreams were about to come true.

I saved it for the very last. I wanted it to be the grand finale to everything that I had received. It finally came to that moment. I was elated, overjoyed, as I ripped the paper from the box, ripped the tape off the box, and opened it to find:

A blanket.

That's right. A huge Aladdin themed blanket.

Needless to say, I was crushed.

I've since recovered from the emotional trauma caused by this event. Whenever I tell this story around my mom, she says to me, "Well you should have asked for it. We never even knew you wanted it!"

I was thinking about this last night, and I came to a realization. There were two men in my life who I had never met, but were very important to me: Santa, and Heavenly Father. I'd learned all my life about my Heavenly Father. He lived in heaven, so I couldn't see him. He loved me. He wanted me to be happy. He knew everything that I did, even if no one saw it. He knew everything about me: my hopes, my dreams, my desires, etc.

Then there was Santa. All you really get told about Santa is that you never get to see him, that he knows whether you're bad or good (even if no one saw it), and he knows what you want for Christmas (although somehow I missed the "you have to ask him" part).

So you can see, that as a child, I could have easily paralleled the two in my head. It wasn't necessary to ask Santa for a present, because he already knew!*

So next time you don't know what to get your kids for Christmas, maybe ask them to write a letter to Santa asking for what they want. They might not realize that that's necessary.

*I know, I know, the Lord knows what we want but we still have to ask him for it, but think of this from a 6 year-old's perspective. It makes a lot more sense that way.