Sunday, January 25, 2009

Sam and I went on a date the other night. This is what you get when we get together....We decided to go to Sconecutters. The story behind it is that we figured we should go to one place a week that at least one of us hadn't ever been to before. We chose this one.



I was a little excited. It freaked Sam out a bit...



She told me to be less excited for this one.



She was excited too!



All in all, we had a wonderful time. :)



Lastly, before our big date, we went to the ward party, which was a dance at a retirement home here in Provo. We had a good old time, and here's a picture of me with my favorite part of the night. :)



Life is good.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

I feel like I should write. I don't know why, or what about, but here it comes.

How realistic is it to wish for something? I wish for a lot of things...many of which, I will never get or have. I hope in and for things, but I'm talking about wishes here. Almost every time I see that it's 11:11, or that I see a shooting star, or blow the fly-y things off of a dandelion, I wish for a pony. I'm not really sure why....I don't have the facilities to house a pony, nor do I have the time to take care of one. I wouldn't even fit on a pony. If I was to wish for something that was really useful, I'd wish for a horse. Or even better, an A in my physics class. It always seems that people, myself included, wish for things that probably don't have a high possibility of coming true. "I wish for a million dollars," or "I wish that so-and-so will notice me and that we will get married and live happily ever after (a little over-dramatic and not something I necessarily wish for, but sometimes it goes along those general lines)," or (in my case) "I wish for an A in physics." How useful is it to spend your time thinking about these things? Is it because we hope that in some off chance, the cosmos will rearrange and the gods will favor us and we will get the deepest desires of our hearts? And even then, I highly doubt that the deepest and most sincere desire of a person's heart is a million dollars. While a million dollars would be great, that's probably not something that's going to bring true and lasting happiness.

The question now becomes, what is it that really will bring that? What should we be wishing for? I certainly don't know. I'm the one who's still wishing for a pony, or for someone to call me, or for an A in physics.

I realized something the other day. Often I look forward to certain events in my life. I'll share what it was that made me think of this. I, as do many other girls, look forward to the day when I will get married. Even if you've just started dating someone, at least once you'll wonder if maybe he's "the one," and even if he's not, who that person will be. However, as I thought about this, I realized something. I look forward to these events, but I almost never think about what will happen after it occurs. Life continues after you get married. I fear that I have or will continue to spend so much time thinking simply about when I will get married, and that once I get there, I won't know what to do with myself. I'll be completely lost as to what to do next in my life. I'd spent so much time focusing on getting to that point, I hadn't even thought to plan past it. I'm still not sure what my life will be like after I get married. But I'm glad I've realized that I must think beyond the important events in my life. I'll not only be planning how my life will play out after I get married, but also after I graduate, if I go on a mission what will happen after that, etc.

I think the point of this post is to live in the present. It's no good to wish for the "good ol' days," nor to spend all your time thinking about and wishing for the future. Live your life for the days that you are currently in. How can you create the good old days? By making today a day worth remembering. It's not a bad thing to remember how things used to be, or to be excited for a coming event, but today is today, and you cannot change that.

A quote that is in my living room says, "If you can't find the circumstances you want in life, make them."

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Teaching

So, I'm currently planning my lesson for my Gospel Doctrine class tomorrow. Now, I've been teaching Gospel Doctrine since the beginning of last semester, so you may not think that this is anything new for me. Well, if you thought that, then you'd be wrong.

Last semester, I taught with someone else. His name is Chris, and he is amazing. We loved teaching together. Our lessons were awesome. Well, at the beginning of this semester, the Sunday School Presidency decided that we were TOO good. They decided to split us up so that we could help the other teaching companionships. So they gave me a new partner, which I could learn to deal with. Except for one thing: this new guy is apparently pretty flaky in the first place, and he's also engaged. When they told me I'd be teaching with him, they said, "You'll probably be teaching alone sometimes..." I can't do that!!! I am TERRIFIED. I tried to get a hold of him this week, but he never got back to me, which I'm assuming means I'm teaching. By myself. I don't know if I can do it! Well, I know I can, but I'm just not sure how good of a lesson it'll be. I need Chris!! The lesson is stressing me out enough already. It's about the atonement. Wow. That one's stressful enough with two people, let alone one! There's just so much to cover, and I feel so inadequate to the task. I've been tempted to call Chris and ask him to help me, but I'd feel bad. And I don't even know if he'll be here this Sunday.

Any way I look at this, I have to teach. So....pray for me.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

It's all about how you look at it

Just as a preface, I'm starting out writing this with the intent of talking about something religious. It's not something that just happened. :) Oh, and this one's a little long. Sorry. I didn't do it on purpose, it just happened.

This morning as I was walking to and from work, it was snowing. And it wasn't just lightly snowing. It was coming down pretty good, and the wind was blowing it all right into my face, making it pretty difficult to see. So, I did as most others do: slumped over, hands in my pockets, head down, looking at the ground directly in front of me to try to find the safest way to get to my destination.

This got me to thinking. I heard a story once a long time ago about a farmer who wanted to retire, but he had no sons to give his farm to. So, he took his 3 favorite farmhands, and had them go out into a field with him. It was winter time, and the field was covered in a perfect blanket of untouched snow. He told them that whoever could walk in the straightest line to a certain tree across the field would be the one who would inherit the farm. The first decided that what he would do was to start facing the tree, and then watch his feet as he walked, making sure that he was walking as straight as possible. He did so, and when he got to the tree, he was astonished: his path weaved back and forth, not in a very straight line at all! The second farmhand saw the problem of the first, so he decided that he would watch his feet as well, but he would look up every so often to glance at the tree, to see if he was going the right way. But what he realized was, he couldn't stop looking at the path he made behind him. He would get so worried about whether or not it was crooked, so he would try to fix it. When he got to the tree, he turned around completely and saw the path that he had made. Although it was slightly straighter than the path made by the first farmhand, it was still quite crooked and zig-zaggy (if that's a word). The third, being the smartest of the bunch (he has to be, or the moral of the story would be pretty lame. It seems like they always save the wise one for last. Anyway.), decided that since the strategies of the first two farmhands hadn't worked at all, he was going to try something that neither of them had. He started out facing the tree, and he started walking. And he never took his eyes off of that tree. Nothing could distract him from that tree--not the path behind him, not how his path was going in comparison to those of the other farmhands. And when he got to the tree, he turned around to look at his path. It was almost a perfect straight line from the farmer to the tree. So, of course, he won the farm and everything that came with it.

As I thought about this, I made a connection to the situation I was in.

The snow was coming down, and often, we have the same reaction when it's raining. Especially if it's raining a lot. But even just a little, it's hard not to put your head down and watch the ground right in front of you. On the opposite end of the spectrum, when it's sunny, you don't find many people with their heads down, trying to keep from getting all that glorious daylight in their face. We walk tall, faces lifted to the glorious light of the sun, knowing exactly where we are headed, looking towards our destination with confidence.

Now for the connection to the gospel, if you haven't already guessed it by now. It seems when things are "coming down" around us, all we can do is focus on the ground in front of us. That big puddle in front of us seems huge, but if we would simply look up, we would see that there's a whole sidewalk worth of space that allows us to avoid the puddle, or to at least find the shallowest part to get through. But when it's sunny, we just soak it in. Sometimes, the rain or snow isn't such a bad thing.

So I decided to try something new. I walked like I would if it was bright and sunny out. I let that snow blow right into my face. It wasn't necessarily the best of experiences, but it wasn't bad, actually. Once I got over that it was cold and wet, I kind of enjoyed it. It was different. Not something that I was used to.

Our trials may not be like snow or rain falling. They may be like a hailstorm. While I don't recommend walking through a severe hailstorm unprotected, I do suggest that perhaps we should look at the storms of our lives in a new light. They may not always be the most pleasant. They probably aren't the most fun. But there's always an end to the storm. The sun will come out again. And what's the point in becoming upset over something you can't control? Why not just love it for what it is? Find something good about it. Anything. Sometimes it's not easy. Hailstones the size of golf balls don't have much nice about them when they pelt you on the head. But think about the miracle of the hailstone itself. How does something so solid (said solidity evidenced by the egg that is swelling up on your head) come out of something so ambiguous and intangible as a cloud? It truly is a miracle.

I suggest that we learn to love the situation we are in. Lately I've been in the midst of finals week, watching people around me stress themselves out of their minds about their finals. While, yes, finals is a stressful time, I think perhaps they overdo it. Relax. Take a breath. It's not as bad as you think it is. There is the light at the end of the tunnel, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, whatever example you want to use. Look ahead to your destination: a life of eternities with our Heavenly Father. Neal A. Maxwell said, "In the Apocrypha, the teachings of James, Jesus reportedly told an afflicted Peter and James, ‘If you consider how long the world existed before you, and how long it will exist after you, you will find that your life is one single day and your sufferings one single hour.’ How like what the Lord told the suffering Joseph in [Liberty] jail: ‘My son,…thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.’ One life, therefore, is brevity compared to eternity—like being dropped off by a parent for a day at school. But what a day!” How true. When we have an eternal perspective, our lives here are but a moment, a speck of time in a countless number of eternities. Why let something so small have such a huge effect on us?

Finally, as the best way to end this, I'll use a quote from a great man, Joseph B. Wirthlin:

"Come what may, and love it."

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Direction

It seems like lately I've been posting mainly song lyrics, so I decided to write a real post this time.

Today I was looking through a notebook from this semester, and I found something I wrote while I was waiting for one of my TA's about 2 or so weeks ago. I'm not going to share all of it, but you can have a taste.

Sometimes I find myself moving in my own direction, and sometimes I am carried along by another, even if I don't choose to be. As much as I don't want to admit it, my direction can be affected and even changed by the choices and actions of others. While sometimes this may be a bad thing, I find that it can also be beneficial. Spencer W. Kimball said that the Lord does notice us, but it is usually through another person that He meets our needs. Perhaps this direction changing of mine and of others is how the Lord is correcting, or even simply guiding us. Maybe the direction we were headed in before wasn't necessarily bad, but He's got something better in mind for us, even if we don't see it right at first. He knows the things that we need to learn, and He knows the best way to teach us.

I often find that I didn't intend to begin writing about something religious, but it often drifts in that direction. Again, not a bad thing, just not my original intention. Then again, things don't often work out the way we planned, do they?

And that's what I wrote about, or at least the Readers Digest version. As I continue to think about direction, though, I've had some ideas about it all. Sometimes I think that my life is like swinging on a swing. Back and forth, back and forth, but never really seeming to get anywhere. I learn something new with each swing, and perhaps get higher and higher, or lose speed and get a little lower, or get tired and slow down, but there's not much variation from that. Once again, not that this is necessarily a bad thing, just something I've noticed. I think a lot, if not all, of our lives are like this. The question is, how/when do we get to jump from the swing, to run free, to have complete control over our lives. Do we ever get to? I'm not sure. For now, I'll love my swing. I'll embrace the rise and fall of it all, and just lean back, close my eyes, and let the wind blow through my hair. :)

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Savior, Please.

I absolutely love this song. It's by an artist who is not very well known, and I he's one of those Christian rock guys, but I still love him. I think the words to this song...amazing. Anyways. Enjoy.

Savior, please
Hold my hand.
I'm treading earth,
And sinking fast.
I don't fare well
Here in this world.
I put you first;
It puts me last.

I know that I am not alone,
But still, I feel lonely.
Please look on me, here alone,
And reach down to hold me.
Savior, please
Keep savin' me.

Savior, please
Hold me up.
I'm falling down
In a falling race.
I don't fare well
Here in this world.
I turn to you;
It turns its face.

I know that I am not alone,
But still, I feel lonely.
Please look on me, here alone,
And reach down to hold me.
Savior, please
Keep savin' me

Savior, please
Hold my hand.
Savior, please
Hold me up.
I don't fare well
Here in this world.
Savior, please
Keep savin' me.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Any last words?

The other day I was on the phone with someone, and I noticed something that I do. I don't know why I do it, and I don't try, but it just happens. Whenever the conversation comes to an end, I always have to be the last one to say goodbye. I really honestly don't know why, but it feels wrong to me if I don't. I'll even wait an awkward amount of time in silence for the other person to say bye first. It's really weird. Because I noticed it, I try hard not to do it, and I've done pretty good. But still, every time I do it, I feel like I'm cutting the other person off halfway through a sentence or something, even if I'm not. I am a strange person.

Friday, November 21, 2008

"New Post"

I don't know what I'm going to write in this post. I feel like I have so much inside of me (other than vital organs and such), but I don't have any idea what it is, least of all how to describe it.

I only have to get through four more days. Three and a half, really. My family is coming down here for Thanksgiving, and I can't wait to see them. I can't wait to get out of Provo and away from all that's been going on here. I just need a break from everything, really. School, work, friends, and most of all, relationships. Or the lack thereof. Perhaps the ambiguity of everything here is what is so frustrating. Once again, the only thing that I want to do, because it just removes all thought but at the same time allows me to think about everything, is dance. I want to find my partner and just dance all night long. There's nothing ambiguous about dancing. I connect with my partner, and we just flow with each other. He is awesome. Neither of us are necessarily the best dancers, but that's what makes it so great. Neither of us feels intimidated or overshadowed by the other. He makes me so happy. Dancing makes me so happy.

Who knew I'd talk about dancing again? Not me. This post is just flowing from my mind, through my fingers, and onto this screen. I'm not holding much back. It's just coming.

I have such a conflicting set of emotions inside of me right now. I am happy. Even though things aren't going the way I want them to, I'm still happy. I know that's because I've asked the Lord to help me be. He has. It's not of my own doing. He has had a hand in this. I also feel sad, though. Sad that things have ended. Sad that new things have to start. Sad that things that I wish would start, simply won't. Sad that things that could start, things that I have pushed at first, aren't necessarily what I would choose now. I don't dwell on this though. I'm pretty sure that there are only 2 things that are going to get me through these next few days: 1. My family coming. I have missed them. So much. And 2. Jeff coming in 8 days. I cannot wait to see him. Don't ask me how I've gone all this time without seeing him. It's nice to be able to talk to him, but actually being able to see him, to be around him, to hug him, it will be awesome. He is my best friend. It's like I'm going to get a piece of myself back. I can't wait for it.

I know everyone is going to say, if you have such a connection with this guy, why don't you date him? This is me rolling my eyes. You have no idea how much I've heard this. Believe me, I have entertained the idea. It just gets old when people try to push it on me. I'm not going to make anything happen that just isn't what I want. I've already talked to Jeff about this. We'll see what it's like between us when we see each other. Until then, we're still just best friends. And no matter what, we'll stay best friends. That's the best way to do it, right?

Friday, November 14, 2008

Another Lonely Day

Song lyrics sometimes have a way of taking the words right out of your mouth.

I think at one time or another, a person going through a breakup feels the way this song describes. I have mostly passed this stage, but there are times when I find myself falling back into this. Either way, this song is probably one of my favorites.

Yes indeed, I'm alone again,
And here comes emptiness crashing in.
It's either love or hate,
I can't find in between,
'cause I've been with witches and I've been with a queen.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may,
But for now it's just another lonely day.

Wish there was something now I could say or do.
I can resist anything but the temptation from you.
But I'd rather walk alone than chase you around.
I'd rather fall myself than let you drag me on down.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
And now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may,
But for now, it's just another lonely day.

Yesterday seems like a life ago,
'cause the one I love today, I hardly know,
You I held so close in my heart, Oh dear,
Grow further from me with every fallen tear.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may,
But for now it's just another lonely day.
For now it's just another lonely day.
For now it's just another lonely day.

Oh, in case you were wondering, this is "Another Lonely Day" by Ben Harper.

I feel like I had more to say about this, but I can't think of what it was...all I know is that I hope that for me (and for others going through similar situations), that this stage can pass rather quickly. That's all.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Cancer

So, a lot of times I'll just be walking on campus and I will think of something that I should blog about, but then by the time I get home or I get to my computer, I can't remember it. Well, last night, I was trying to remember something, so I went to write it in my phone, and I discovered that the other day when I had thought of one of these things, I wrote it down in my phone! So now you get an insight into the workings of my mind...beware.

What is it about cancer that makes people great? See, 99% of the time, when you hear of someone who has cancer, people say, "Oh, he/she is such a great person, that's so sad." You never hear people say, "Man, that guy is a dirty scumbag, he totally deserves that." Something about cancer just makes people great. Maybe they really HAVE been a scumbag, but as soon as they get cancer**, people say that they are so great, that it couldn't have happened to a better person, how much they hope that person will get through it, etc.

Is it only cancer that makes people feel this way about you? I wish people would say those kinds of things about me, but am I willing to get cancer to accomplish these results? I don't really know if it's worth it to me.

In closing, this insight has given new meaning to me for a particular saying:

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them"


**This almost always excludes self-induced cancers: lung cancer from smoking, skin cancer from fakin'-bakin', etc.